Does Happiness Require Settling?

Once I heard a parable about a poor man lying under a banana tree eating a banana. Another man comes up to him and asks,

- Where have you gotten the banana?  

- Plucked it from the tree. 

art by ~DicklessHunter

- Well, you could pick a few bananas and sell them.

- What for? 

- With that money you could hire someone to help you pick more bananas, and sell them, too.   

- What for? 

- In a month, you'd be able to hire 10-15 people picking bananas for you, selling them, and making a lot of money... 

- What for? 

- Well, then you would be able to lie under a tree, eat a banana, enjoy the life and do nothing! 

- But I already do!

Indeed, having a more easygoing attitude is a powerful shortcut to a happier life. It is liberating to realize that we do not need much to be happy. That being happy is being peaceful and content with life at all times and all junctures.

We go through life surrounded by infinite details and choices. Our mood and happiness depend on myriads of daily conscious and unconscious decisions about what we focus on and what we let go; which desires, possessions, events, and battles do or do not deserve our emotional investment.

So it may seem that since happiness does not really depend on external factors, we should not desire them. Why aspire for success or career when we can be happy without? Why bother creating a family, compromise and sacrifice our freedoms, when it will bring us as much aggravation as bliss, especially if ultimately we should not rely on anyone else to make us happy except ourselves? Why do anything when we can just work on cultivating peacefulness and contentment?

Even our values seem to be in the way of happiness. "Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?" This seemingly unassuming and seemingly obvious question hints at a univocal choice: fight to be right or settle and be happy.

It sounds that the way to happiness is to take whatever happens to us without challenging, giving up on our dreams, ambitions, beliefs and values.

In order to be happy, do we need to settle?

We will get trapped by this question, if we try to give a definitive “yes” or “no” answer:

art by ~conradyoung

Yes! We need to settle. If we are not as happy as we want to be, we need to change our attitude, we need to change ourselves. If we take everything to heart, if we let all the stuff that goes on rankle us, if presence of problems and absence of solutions anger or depress us, we will get nowhere near happy.

On the other hand, no! Our values, desires and ideas make us who we are. We should not sacrifice our integrity! Being happy may be much more important than being "right" in a petty argument. But what about major issues? Is being happy more important than fighting for our ideals, our ideas, our loved ones, our freedom, our rights, or our values?

Besides, even if we would rather be overall happy, would we be able to disengage from the things that are important to us? It may be rather easy to let go of non-essential things. But when the choice comes to deeply ingrained values, many tend to insist on being right.

So what's the solution? This is a tricky choice. As always, the truth is somewhere in the middle.

If we throw ourselves too much into either direction, we would be forgetting the other essential cornerstone of happiness - moderation. Without moderation every pleasure turns into suffering (see post Happiness vs. Pleasure), bravery turns into stupidity, loves turns into smothering, and the pursuit of happiness may turn into settling, indifference and apathy. It works the same way for the other extreme. If we do not let go of anything, take everything too close to heart, always fight to be right, we risk being miserable, emotionally wrecked and exhausted for the rest of our lives.

We need to sustain the right balance for absolutely everything we do, including contentment (see post on moderation).

It is important not to confuse contentment with complacency. Contentment does not mean inactivity. Being content does not mean settling and never wanting anything else because we are satisfied with the way things are. It means recognizing that even if we are not satisfied with what we presently have or what we presently are, it is sufficient to be grateful and joyful on the road to achieving our goals.

To get into this state of mind, we need to find the right proportion of not caring too much and not caring too little.

Taking a look at the life through the prism of our present understanding of happiness will put our goals in perspective. We may realize that some things we yearn for or fret about are not as overall important as we are used to think, whereas the meaningful things will remain meaningful.

The appraisal of what is meaningful is very personal. Some may want to impact the world, eliminate hunger, or invent flying cars. Others may want things that impact them personally, for example, see their kids graduate from college or quit smoking.

art by ~mole2k

So the compromise is to recognize which goals and ambitions are not essential for us and let them go, and which are important, and aspire toward them. But happiness is not an either/or proposition. It does not appear when we follow our dreams or when we settle for what we have. We should not put it on hold until we finally reach our goals. We should combine the desire to change something and the contentment with the present situation while we work on the change.

Surely, once we achieve our goals and turn the dreams into reality, we will be happy. But as often, our efforts may not come to fruition. The end results of our struggles may not be what we wished for. We should be ready for this outcome as well. Not getting something we want, even the noblest goal, should not disturb our mental state.

The happiness I discuss is the contentment with the process of life itself. The perspective, the balance of not completely giving ourselves over to some goal or idea, and not giving up on it entirely, either. It is being happy while working our way to it, and staying content and balanced whatever the result is.

So happiness is an intricate balance of being both content with what we have, but not settling or giving up on our dreams.

Look forward to your life. Know what your goals are and work to reach them. Just continue to be happy in the interim.

Choices: To What Extend Do They Define Happiness

art by ~EyesOfTheBeholderInc

My life.... My Choices...

~ Folk Wisdom

Our lives are defined by the choices we make.

Every day we are faced with a plethora of choices: obvious or unconscious, difficult or easy, important or insignificant, unnoticeably minute and life-changeably major. When I shop for a toothpaste, which one do I choose? When it is time to pick a major, which one do I choose? When proposed a hand in marriage, what do I do? When I crave chocolate, do I treat myself to a piece or abstain? When my daughter takes too long to do her homework, do I help her, let her do it at her own pace, or scold her for getting distracted? When I write this paragraph, do I list more examples, or get to the point?

Our actions are our choices carried out. And all our choices are based on our values and the place of happiness in our priorities.

We all know that we want to be happy. We want it for ourselves, our loved ones, and possibly for all.

However, rather often we knowingly choose to do things that do not make us happy, when we believe that these things take higher priority in life. When we are younger, we tend to concentrate on more palpable goals - fitting in with peers (and doing things that we would not want to do by ourselves), completing education (and stressing over grades and fees), getting a nice job (even if we find it unfulfilling), finding a spouse (or bearing the societal pressure to find one), having kids (and giving up a lot of freedom), saving up for some possessions (and denying self others), etc. Later, we may sacrifice our own happiness for our loved ones, for the call of duty, or out of fear to change anything. Or we may believe that we simply do not have another choice.

As we age, as we go through certain experiences and learn from them, as we become more established and secure, as be become wiser, our views about life priorities change.  We may place happiness higher on our priority list. Each one of us modifies our live views for different reasons. Some survived a life-threatening situation and realized that life is too short to be unhappy. Some have a pessimistic child and want to lead by example by embracing positive emotions. Some believe that being happy is the ultimate meaning of life. All of us have our own different reasons.

Changing priorities will affect the daily choices we make. We may decide that we care for our peace of mind more than for a successful career, or for judgment of others, etc. So we may forgo a promotion at work that entails long hours and more stress. Or decide to move from the city to the suburbs or vise versa. Or something else we would not dare do when we were younger.

art by ~Persephone842

Our choices are defined by the balance between our desire to be happy and doing what we currently believe is the best course of action. Unfortunately, it is impossible to always do only what we want. So we ascribe our unhappiness to less favorable choices we have to make. How can we be happy when we want to play outside and instead we have to study or work? When we want to read a book, and instead we have to do the dishes? When we want to devour a juicy hamburger, but we are told a carrot is a healthier choice?

The paradox of happiness is that even though we believe it depends on our choices, in the grand scheme of things it really does not. When we have to do something out of obligations, or pressure, or whatever circumstances, we are able to still be happy. We may not be happy with the circumstances, but we can learn to be content with ourselves in these circumstances.

The key is to remember that we still want to be happy, and choose to be happy instead of sulking or waiting it out. Like Abraham Lincoln said, people are as happy as they make their minds up to be.

Usually, we do not focus on desire to be happy, we just know it is true. So when we deal with the stress of everyday life, we oftentimes almost forget about it. We get into foul moods over small staff like traffic, or getting a stain on our cloths. Without noticing we concentrate on the routine, letting go of our overall intention to be happy.

Therefore, when we are presented with challenging choices and trying circumstances, it is very helpful to remember both the fact that we truly prefer to stay happy and the way we arrived to this conviction. As we recall the experiences and thoughts that shaped our determination to be happy, we will be able to cope with situation we view as negative.

For example, the next time we find ourselves in an unfavorable situation, we can say to ourselves, I want to be happy anyway, because life is short and I do not want to live it depressed. Or because everything is relative and nothing is as bad as it seems. Or (insert your own individual reason to continue to be happy).

We should clearly understand the reasons why we want to be happy - and not the general goodness reasons, but our personal, individual ones, the ones that convince us that happiness is a priority above some others. Then the circumstances will no longer hold such overwhelming power over our state of mind. We will be able to transcend through them, not let them interfere with our mood.  We will be able to choose what is necessary for us to choose and not let the choice affect our spirits.

The choices we make are important. But there is only choice that truly affects the level of our happiness - our choice to be happy. While the rest of our choices shape our lives, this one shapes our attitude.

Exercise: Remember the reason for wanting happiness and prioritizing it high.

Think about the questions below. Try not to give in to popular notions about happiness or the meaning of life. The hankering to be happy is for your own benefit, not anyone else's. So uncover your own personal ideas and notions, your personal answers.  

Is the importance and supremacy of happiness self evident to you? Are you convinced that being happy is your goal and priority?

If you believe so, look back on your life and remember what experiences and thoughts brought you to this conclusion?

How would you explain to your children that they should stay happy in any circumstances?

If something made you doubt your own priorities, would we be able to convince yourself again? How?

If you found yourself in an unfavorable situation, would you give in to the bad mood or be able remember to try to keep good attitude? What would it take for you to not only stay calm, but actually be positive - a quote? memories of past experience? thoughts of the future? the transience of life? thoughts of the divine? meditation? duty to your loved ones? duty to yourself?

* My post about setting priorities is here: http://olgarythm.blogspot.com/2012/10/happiness-how-to-get-your-priorities.html

Happiness "How To": Get Your Priorities Straight

art by ~JenRoyce

Think about all the major ideas that you have about happiness, about success, about the meaning of your life.

Consider all the factors that are important to you, like money, success, children, nature, etc., some of which I explored in earlier posts: http://olgarythm.blogspot.com/2012/09/exploring-happiness-pre-requisites_30.html, http://olgarythm.blogspot.com/2012/09/exploring-happiness-pre-requisites.html, http://olgarythm.blogspot.com/2012/08/children-and-happiness.html.

  

Add or subtract to create a list of things you are ready to dedicate your life to. Weigh in whether you can be happy with less (see previous post "Adjust Your Expectations": http://olgarythm.blogspot.com/2012/10/happiness-how-to-adjust-your.html).

Then create a priority list for your life.

art by ~addicted-to-memories

Include only the most important goals you want to achieve in life, the end goals, for example, “being happy”, “enjoying the family”, “earning the living by doing what I like”, “dedicating more time to (fill in the blank)”. 

List the most important priorities first.

To get some perspective, let's consider what we do with the lifetime we are granted. Whatever we do in life: produce, eat, sleep, travel, work, quarrel, love, check emails, raise kids, exercise, and anything and everything else, we do it in exchange for our life. For example, during a day of work we produced 5 chairs, or contributed to a project for improving a banking system, or wrote an article, or baked cupcakes. We exchanged eight hours of our life for it. If you love what you produce, it may be worth it. If you do not really care and just wait for the day to be over, then you lose these hours of your life, forever.  

The priority list is a reminder of what is truly important for you. Review your life priority list every morning and decide what you are going to work on today.This way you will see how much time in your life you waste on non-essential things like checking updates on computer or bickering with close people over minor issues.  If you find yourself doing something opposite to your life-goals, such as getting angry at the world for something, getting stuck at a meaningless joyless job or spending hours in front of TV, then think again what is most important. 

Do not let non-essentials take away your time and energy from something more important, like enjoying your family, achieving something meaningful, being happy.

art by ~messofmemoriesxX

Remember that our time is finite. Would you like to endure the life or enjoy it? Waste it on something meaningless or celebrate it?

 It is probably impossible to fill each moment with deep meaning and spend all the time on working exclusively toward the big goals. As always, everything is good in moderation. But it is necessary to know what your priorities are, and live accordingly.

It is a life-long process. Do not get discouraged if you find yourself sidetracked. Work on improving your situation and continue to getting closer to your goals. And always feel satisfied and happy as you get closer to your goals, even if it is little by little.

art by ~cookiesnmilk

The Pursuit of Happiness: Part 2. "Different Strokes For Different Folks"

This is a follow up on the last post "The Pursuit of Happiness" (http://olgarythm.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-pursuit-of-happiness.html)

Everybody strives toward happiness and away from suffering. 

Even though the path to happiness is different for everyone, we are still looking for the same thing.

You can compare the happiness to a mountain summit. There is one summit, but it can be approached from the different sides of the mountain. Some can go fast, others slow. Everyone may walk a different path, with different goals and different gear to help them. Different peoples call the summit by different names. But in the end they will reach the same place, the same summit.

Similarly, some approach happiness through faith, using prayer as there tool. Others practice meditation. Yet others apply practicality, etc. We approach happiness from many different philosophical schools. But all of us try to reach the same goal – be happy.

      I came across the same tool being used absolutely differently but for the same goal.

      In corporate culture

Purpose: stress relieve and achievement of happiness:

Instructions:

a.       affix to a wall at the eye level

b.      stand comfortably next to it

c.       Start banging your head against the target dot until you feel stress leaving your body and bliss entering.

d.      Smile 

In yoga class

Purpose: stress relief, achievement of mindfulness and happiness. 

Instructions:

a.       affix to a wall about 3 feet from the floor

b.      seat cross legged comfortably next to it

c.       concentrate on the dot. Do not allow any thoughts.

d.      Feel stress leaving your body and bliss entering.

      I have gotten the first instructions from my coworkers as a joke. I thought it was so funny, I posted it on the wall (just like instructed) and invited anyone who came into my office and complained to try that method. Even though no one actually banged their head against it, it relieved stress quite nicely. Several years later I have gotten a similar picture in my yoga class. The above example, albeit funny, helped me realize that even though we use different tools, or use similar tools in different ways, we are still trying to move toward the same target. 

     I believe the sooner we realize it, the sooner we will admit that we have a common goal, the sooner we will understand how important it is in our lives, the sooner we will begin to change our attitude toward contentment and happiness.

     In the posts to follow, I will discuss my theory on happiness as well as practical advice on how to achieve it.

Happiness and Ethics

In process of redefining happiness, this post looks at ethics as one of the aspects connected to it.

Ethics is moral principles that define right and wrong. The norms are different, and they change depending on times, religion, culture, peer group and many other factors. Like the very ideas of “good” and “bad”, ethics is a relative notion. What is ethical for one is unacceptable for another (consider different ethical approaches to abortions, euthanasia, capital sentence, traditional vs. non-traditional family, and almost anything else). However, as imprecise as ethics is, it is in large part the reason behind our choices and actions – grand ones and everyday small ones. 

Behaving in the ethical way, being "good" is usually believed to be rewarded by being happy both during this life (when good triumphs over evil, everyone lives happily ever after) and in the afterlife (the concept of paradise). I will concentrate on the life as we know it - here and now.

There is also a reciprocal relationship - some philosophers assert that whatever makes you happy is by definition, ethical.

I believe that happiness is not directly related to morals, society norms or ethics, and being good does not necessarily mean being happy. Plenty of us have never killed, or stolen, or cheated on their spouses. It doesn't mean that we all are automatically happy people. 

Happiness can be found in exercising the moral virtues. But not necessarily. One can do good and not feel happy, or one may do bad and feel happy. It depends on what takes priority for each individual in case if a choice is required: doing the right thing or being happy.

This is not to say that we are released from any moral obligation and may run outside and wreck havoc. We still must behave ethically and in accordance with our conscience for the sake of doing the right thing. But it is useful to recognize what happiness is and what it is not, as well as what our priorities are.

Happiness comes from inside us. It is our reaction to ourselves, to our actions and to the outside world.  We are happy when we are content with what we do, even if it is not what is accepted by others. Happiness is being in peace with yourself, knowing, accepting and liking yourself. 

(art by NARUTODANINJA)