Does Happiness Require Settling?

Once I heard a parable about a poor man lying under a banana tree eating a banana. Another man comes up to him and asks,

- Where have you gotten the banana?  

- Plucked it from the tree. 

art by ~DicklessHunter

- Well, you could pick a few bananas and sell them.

- What for? 

- With that money you could hire someone to help you pick more bananas, and sell them, too.   

- What for? 

- In a month, you'd be able to hire 10-15 people picking bananas for you, selling them, and making a lot of money... 

- What for? 

- Well, then you would be able to lie under a tree, eat a banana, enjoy the life and do nothing! 

- But I already do!

Indeed, having a more easygoing attitude is a powerful shortcut to a happier life. It is liberating to realize that we do not need much to be happy. That being happy is being peaceful and content with life at all times and all junctures.

We go through life surrounded by infinite details and choices. Our mood and happiness depend on myriads of daily conscious and unconscious decisions about what we focus on and what we let go; which desires, possessions, events, and battles do or do not deserve our emotional investment.

So it may seem that since happiness does not really depend on external factors, we should not desire them. Why aspire for success or career when we can be happy without? Why bother creating a family, compromise and sacrifice our freedoms, when it will bring us as much aggravation as bliss, especially if ultimately we should not rely on anyone else to make us happy except ourselves? Why do anything when we can just work on cultivating peacefulness and contentment?

Even our values seem to be in the way of happiness. "Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?" This seemingly unassuming and seemingly obvious question hints at a univocal choice: fight to be right or settle and be happy.

It sounds that the way to happiness is to take whatever happens to us without challenging, giving up on our dreams, ambitions, beliefs and values.

In order to be happy, do we need to settle?

We will get trapped by this question, if we try to give a definitive “yes” or “no” answer:

art by ~conradyoung

Yes! We need to settle. If we are not as happy as we want to be, we need to change our attitude, we need to change ourselves. If we take everything to heart, if we let all the stuff that goes on rankle us, if presence of problems and absence of solutions anger or depress us, we will get nowhere near happy.

On the other hand, no! Our values, desires and ideas make us who we are. We should not sacrifice our integrity! Being happy may be much more important than being "right" in a petty argument. But what about major issues? Is being happy more important than fighting for our ideals, our ideas, our loved ones, our freedom, our rights, or our values?

Besides, even if we would rather be overall happy, would we be able to disengage from the things that are important to us? It may be rather easy to let go of non-essential things. But when the choice comes to deeply ingrained values, many tend to insist on being right.

So what's the solution? This is a tricky choice. As always, the truth is somewhere in the middle.

If we throw ourselves too much into either direction, we would be forgetting the other essential cornerstone of happiness - moderation. Without moderation every pleasure turns into suffering (see post Happiness vs. Pleasure), bravery turns into stupidity, loves turns into smothering, and the pursuit of happiness may turn into settling, indifference and apathy. It works the same way for the other extreme. If we do not let go of anything, take everything too close to heart, always fight to be right, we risk being miserable, emotionally wrecked and exhausted for the rest of our lives.

We need to sustain the right balance for absolutely everything we do, including contentment (see post on moderation).

It is important not to confuse contentment with complacency. Contentment does not mean inactivity. Being content does not mean settling and never wanting anything else because we are satisfied with the way things are. It means recognizing that even if we are not satisfied with what we presently have or what we presently are, it is sufficient to be grateful and joyful on the road to achieving our goals.

To get into this state of mind, we need to find the right proportion of not caring too much and not caring too little.

Taking a look at the life through the prism of our present understanding of happiness will put our goals in perspective. We may realize that some things we yearn for or fret about are not as overall important as we are used to think, whereas the meaningful things will remain meaningful.

The appraisal of what is meaningful is very personal. Some may want to impact the world, eliminate hunger, or invent flying cars. Others may want things that impact them personally, for example, see their kids graduate from college or quit smoking.

art by ~mole2k

So the compromise is to recognize which goals and ambitions are not essential for us and let them go, and which are important, and aspire toward them. But happiness is not an either/or proposition. It does not appear when we follow our dreams or when we settle for what we have. We should not put it on hold until we finally reach our goals. We should combine the desire to change something and the contentment with the present situation while we work on the change.

Surely, once we achieve our goals and turn the dreams into reality, we will be happy. But as often, our efforts may not come to fruition. The end results of our struggles may not be what we wished for. We should be ready for this outcome as well. Not getting something we want, even the noblest goal, should not disturb our mental state.

The happiness I discuss is the contentment with the process of life itself. The perspective, the balance of not completely giving ourselves over to some goal or idea, and not giving up on it entirely, either. It is being happy while working our way to it, and staying content and balanced whatever the result is.

So happiness is an intricate balance of being both content with what we have, but not settling or giving up on our dreams.

Look forward to your life. Know what your goals are and work to reach them. Just continue to be happy in the interim.

Exploring Happiness Pre-requisites: Money

art by ~Saphaer69

Money, undoubtedly, is a very powerful and desirable object in our society and for each of us individually. It shapes our lives. We choose careers because of it. We spend most of our precious waking hours working instead of doing something else that we may enjoy better because of it. Money grants unbelievable opportunities, inspires hideous crimes and spurs on amazing scientific and artistic achievements. Money is a huge engine of our world, whether we like it or not. And despite the saying about money not being able to buy happiness, the majority of us tie money closely to our levels of happiness.

Our consumerist culture nurtures the idea that money can buy us some happiness. Marketing campaigns ingrain the heavy suggestion that buying certain things makes us happy - a car, a shampoo, a bag of chips. They claim we "open happiness" when we open a bottle of not-too-healthy soft beverage, or that we will be touched by happiness when showering with certain body wash. Even if we do not take the ads seriously, using the commercial break time for other things, like grabbing a can of the said soft beverage, the notion is still there in our heads and even more so in the heads of our children. It distorts and devalues the true meaning of happiness. It also makes us confuse pleasures with real happiness (for more on that see post "Happiness vs. Pleasure" at http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7848938430226411031#editor/target=post;postID=8226060586603017057).

art by ~pandacub143

In defense of money, I believe that in some ways, it can buy happiness. More precisely, it can procure conditions that lead to happiness: it can give us a sense of financial security, of indulgence, of ability to help others, ability to be free to do what we choose and not toil at a job we do not enjoy. Money grants us opportunities to learn what makes us happy and the ability to do it.




But we do not need money to make ourselves happy, as long as we are content with what we have, even if we dream about something else, perhaps. We all heard recollections of our parents, older acquaintances, or historical figures about how they had two cents in their pockets and felt very much happy and alive.

So money can help us with our levels of happiness, but it does not guarantee it. For example, Prince Charming was quite wealthy but oh-so-unhappy in the beginning of the Cinderella fairytale. He was extremely unhappy, because he felt that nothing ever went his way, and on top of it, his parents were organizing a huge ball for all the maids of the kingdom, and they were forcing him into choosing a bride! That is just one fairy tale example about how lots of money does not guarantee happiness to its master. I am sure you can think of dozens more from the real life.

Moreover, similarly to having the ability to make us happy, or not affect our level of happiness, money has the ability to make us unhappy. Just think of  investing, managing money, fear of a mere potential of losing some because of our own mistakes or the market, the long hours and sleepless nights one may put into planning and worrying about competition, preserving capital, growing capital, etc. What a headache!

Money also has the ability to make us forget or disregard moderation and to grant us excessive permissiveness. And once there is no moderation, the many available bad habits turn into addictions and into broken lives. If not for lots of money, a lot of good people would not get into a lot of trouble.

art by ~Mephiles99

So the same powerful object - money - may make us happy, unhappy, or not relate to our happiness levels. That is because of the essence of happiness itself. Real happiness comes from inside, from our mind set, from whether we choose to feel happy without money, with money, because of having enough money, or despite of having it.

Happiness "How To": Adjust Your Expectations

Some posts on this blog are purely theoretical, discussing what happiness is. Some of them, including this one, are practical guides to becoming a happier person. 

Art by ~smitzphotography

A better car, a more expensive dress, a bigger house will not make you happy for long. Look at the people who have them. They still may be unhappy and want more. We get anxieties and ulcers wishing for more of this and that, wasting our time on worries or envy instead of enjoying what we have.

The less you need to feel good, the easier it is for you to feel happy.

Ask yourself – what can you live with less of?  Less material gain? Fewer cloths maybe? Fewer designer handbags? An older car? Consider non-material values as well. Can you live with less success? Less power?

Some of our dreams and ambitions are unreasonable and unnecessary. Of course, very ambitious and tenacious people who do not settle for less may achieve great success. That does not mean they are happy. They need to dedicate a lot of time and energy to their goals and endure a lot of stress and disappointments on the way. And none of it guarantees that they emerge happy once they finally achieve their great ambitions. 

You should not feel like a quitter if you are happy and content with less than what is possible. Because truly it is impossible to gain it all. Whatever we have, there will always be more out there – better, bigger, newer, more popular. 

Also, understand clearly that a lot of your goals will not lead to happiness. They will lead to other things. For example, if you would like to be rich, the goal may be to live comfortably, to be free, to help other people. If you would like to improve your appearance, the goal may be to be popular, or to look like your favorite celebrity. If you would like to be powerful, the goal may be to be able to change the system, or to manage others. But not to be happy. We do not need any of the above to be happy. 

Realize that you can be happy with less.

Adjust your expectations. Become content. Start enjoying having less.

Exercise

When you pass by storefront window displays, look at the nice things in there and ask yourself (and do not forget to ask your child) – can I live without it and still be happy? If you can (of course you can!), feel the lightness of not needing certain things to be a happy person. Feel that possessions have no power over your happiness. Feel that you have the power over your own happiness. 

When you watch a political debate or hear about celebrities, ask yourself – can I be happy if I am not a powerful politician or a famous celebrity? Can I be happy if I will never be rich? If you know you can, congratulate yourself!   

Start enjoying your life and hold on to this feeling of happiness with less.

Exploring Happiness Pre-requisites: Success

 

I continue exploring the commonly agreed upon major pre-requisites for happiness.

 

 



art by ~dhuusaraH

"There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way."                                                                                                 ~Christopher Morley

For a long time in our culture happiness is closely intertwined with success. It's like it is a two way door, and happiness and success are the keys to the other side: being successful is the key to being happy. It works the other way around as well:  happiness is the key to success. Once we get one of them, they should form a loop - becoming more successful begets happiness, which begets more success, which results in more happiness.

So where do the successful but unhappy people fit in? How many news reports we've heard about successful millionaire businessmen committing suicide, or successful and loved celebrities checking in psychiatric facilities? Surely they don't do it from the overabundance of happiness in their lives.

Our society places a big emphasis on its definition of success. Whatever we do, we have to be successful. And we do not allow for moderation in this area. If we do not want to succeed, why do anything to begin with? And once we have succeeded, it is unwise to stop. We are taught to never stop, to push for more.

But when there is no moderation, any good thing starts to turn into something else.

Success is such a wonderful, optimistic, happy concept! It challenges us to reach more. It rewards us with feelings of joy, satisfaction, self-worth, self-respect. And it often results in better life conditions. But being stressed too much, it produces opposite effects. Optimism becomes pessimism that nothing is ever enough, and majority of us will not achieve what we set out for. Happiness turns into despair for being a failure. Healthy incentive transforms into sickening stress, and excitement becomes anxiety.

If we follow a cause and effect logic, we will easily see the reason for such gap between what success stands for and how it actually impacts our lives. Success is the attainment of our goals. If our goal is to be a healthy person, then success is to lose weight, quit smoking and take up exercise. If our goal is to be a happy person, then success is to smile, to enjoy life, to be at piece with the world, the ability to be in charge of our attitude. If the goal is to be affluent, then success means becoming wealthy, getting a big house and designer cloths. Our society glorifies competition-based success – becoming better then others, more beautiful than others, more popular than others, more powerful than others, and of course richer than others.

This success “competition” starts earlier with every generation. The little ones are expected to pass tests to enter better pre-schools. There are more moms that put their precious tiny three and four-year olds in additional reading classes, math classes, music classes, any kinds of classes. Kids this age are often not yet capable of really benefitting from this education. Sometimes we make them go against their will. Why? Because we know better. Because we hope it will give then an early start, and they will be able to go to good colleges down the line. We believe it will give them the tools to become more successful in adult life. Mostly, because we are just caught up in this success-oriented thinking and we want to teach it to our kids as soon as possible.

Older kids are stressed even more to go to lots of different afterschool activities and have a shelf full of medals and awards to show for them.

Teenagers are under more stress. Not only they have to be smart, athletic, and popular, they also need to be involved in romantic relationships, or else they are made to feel like failures.  It is an unforgiving competition of who has the largest number of “friends” on social networking and who has got the most boyfriends/girlfriends and what they have already done with them.

Success is not merely suggested. It is demanded of all of us. Professional athletes are not considered successful if they did not win the first place.  It is amazing to see some athletes who look sad or even ashamed to have won second or third place in a major competition.

Some of us set even stricter requirement for themselves. People who are plenty successful by society norms are still unhappy, because they demand more of themselves. They rarely feel contentment and satisfaction. They still feel they are not doing well enough. That sort of expectations is even harder to overcome, because it comes from ourselves.

We have to succeed. We get inspired by hearing that "some people dream of success while others make it happen". We have to climb the social and carrier ladders even if it kills us (and sometimes it does). But the final destination is worth it. After we reach our goals, and became successful by the standards of society, we get to be happy. We finally deserve it. Oh, sweet success.

Sadly, it takes a long time to reach the level of success expected of truly successful people. And often, when we finally reach our goals and become successful as we understand it, after we experience elation, we may suddenly feel empty. If there are no bigger goals and nothing to strive for anymore, then by definition, there will be no success in the future. This is a shock for those who are so used to moving towards the generally accepted aims.

The society preaches and praises success, but it does not preach the idea of “enough”. Successful entrepreneurs are expected to become millionaires, while successful millionaires should become multi-millionaires, and so on. It just feels wrong if they maintain the same level of wealth and not work on making more.

This competitive culture in business, social and emotional spheres thwarts the essence of real happiness - contentment. How can anyone be content, when so much is expected of them, and it is always anticipated to do a little better, to reach a little higher?

These heightened expectations and judgment on who is successful and who is not render many in the “not” section, feeling somehow lacking. But in line with society expectations, which insist on being cheerful, we often feel obliged to keep the fake smiles. “Fake it till you make it”. And after all the necessary social functions are over, lots of smiling people go home and take their antidepressive medications.

Generally, we do not feel content enough until we reach the goal. Unfortunately, we forget that the happiness of achieving tends to be short term. We disregard the long-term kind of happiness - the happiness of striving, of acting on our dreams, on bettering ourselves. We keep our eyes so fixed on the target, that we forget to enjoy the process itself.

 

To be happily successful, first we must decide what our most important goals are in life. They may or may not coincide with the commonly lauded goals, or be a combination. Even though true happiness rarely results from possessions, social status or any other outside factors, we should not limit our goals solely to possessing a peaceful and joyful attitude toward any outcome. If we like what society has to offer, we should go for it!

Once we decide what is most meaningful to us, we will not feel so stifled and stressed by the societal pressures, as we will determine our own happiness pre-requisites. While we spend our lives getting what we want, we should keep the desire to succeed strong enough to spur us on but not too strong to cause a breakdown. And keep in mind that success is not only what is achieved, but what we had to do to get there.

Good Luck!

Happiness How To: Keep Dreaming

art by ~B1nd1

Most of the time, especially when younger, we believe that once we achieve our goals, we will be happy. Those cherished dreams vary for all of us. That may be  anything from rather mundane things, more or less ambitious dreams that require time and effort to extraordinary achievement that require overcoming great difficulties, for example, getting a college degree, winning a lottery, becoming a celebrity, buying a house, having kids, getting out of jail or surviving a war.

However, there are two big tragedies involving dreams in life. The first is to never attain your dream. We dedicate so much thoughts, efforts and time to it. It is so disappointing to never reach that goal. The second big misfortune is to attain you dream, because you do not have anything to dream about anymore, to strive for. Once we achieve our biggest dream, we feel empty, deflated, not inspired anymore.

Which is why many people who reach the pinnacle of success often feel unhappy. If everything you need and want is given to you, you may feel that you no longer have to strive for anything.

Happiness is made of contentment and moderation (see previous posts: http://olgarythm.blogspot.com/2012/06/what-happiness-is-made-of.html and http://olgarythm.blogspot.com/2012/06/contentment-and-moderation-building.html). But being content with your current state does not preclude us from dreaming of anything else. It just means to appreciate the present, not being anxious for something else and disregard what you already have.

So let’s keep dreaming. Some dreams may never come true. But they will excite our imagination and keep us inspired.

Think about 4-5 things you dream about, your goals in life. Do not give up on them if you really want them. Keep working toward them. Meanwhile, always appreciate what you already have. Do not forget to feel happy along the way. And once you achieve your dreams, make sure to bask in that success. You will gain even more to be thankful and content about.

And then dream about something else.

And keep on dreaming.