Cultivate Connection

We humans are open systems, continuously exchanging feedback with the external environment. We look well defined and finite, but our feelings, thoughts, words and actions reach far beyond the space our physical bodies occupy. No man is an island. We impact everything around us just by being. And in return we are influenced by it all. Therefore, while it is good to be introspective and self-sufficient, we flourish in connecting to the outside world and being a part of something bigger than we are.

By connecting I do not mean the polite small talk at a meeting or a Facebook account. Connection that leads to the feelings of happiness, wellbeing and, some researchers say, even health benefits is the internal feeling of a strong bond with someone or something.

People are fulfilled in all kinds of connections. One of the biggest bonds we feel is the connection to other people through love, friendship, parenthood, volunteering, work, through sports, shared hobbies and projects.

Art by Amanda Hall

Rabbi Shoshana Boyd Gelfand tells a story that showcases beautifully how people make the same circumstances into hell or heaven solely by their attitude[1]. It also shows the importance and effects of connecting with other people.

As a reward for her benevolent life, Ariella, a lamed-vavnik (one of the thirty-six people in the world who are completely good) was taken to see Hell and Heaven. In Hell she saw a magnificent palace with an opulent dining hall. The tables were filled with the most delicious food: fragrant soups, creamy cheeses, fresh vegetables, juicy fruits, and exquisite cakes. But the people in the room all looked thin, hungry and unhappy. When Ariella looked carefully, she noticed why the people did not eat the scrumptious food: they all had splints strapped to their arms so they could not bend their elbows. They could pick up the food, but there is no way of getting it into their mouths. She was sad that they sit amongst plenty but starve.

Next, the lamed-vavnik went to visit Heaven. She found herself in a beautiful palace once again. The dining hall was also laden with all kinds of fragrant and delicious dishes. And the people at the table all looked healthy and well fed. They were happy and chatted with each other as they settled down to eat the wonderful meal laid out before them. But to her surprise, Ariella noticed that everybody in Haven had exactly the same splints on their arms as the people in Hell.

Art by Amanda Hall

“Same palace, same meal, same splints, same everything,” she murmured to herself. “The same challenges and opportunities exist in Haven as in Hell. What is different?” And then Ariella saw that although the people in Haven could not bend their arms to feed themselves, they were stretching the arms to feed each other. And if food dropped from someone’s fork, or missed a person’s mouth, they simply laughed and tried again. The people had fun. No one was angry, and everyone was getting enough to eat.

Ariella understood the difference between Heaven and Hell. She returned home and told others about her visit and the lessons she has learned. “Heaven and Hell are not just placed that you go to after you die,” she would tell the children who sat at her feet. “They are also part of how each of us looks at the world every day. And people who reach out to others are already halfway to Heaven.”

Cultivating connection with others does not mean we must be friends with heaps of people. Research shows that the well-being resulting from connecting comes not from the number of friends we have, but from our internal sense of bond toward others. So it is enough to have one friend. And we we feel deeply connected to someone on the inside, we are still benefiting from that feeling even if that person is not our friend[2].

Sarah Yoheved Rigler, a prominent Jewish speaker and author, teaches that marriage is the opportunity for the deepest and the biggest connection with another human being[3]. Unfortunately, we do not always use this opportunity. At times we feel hurt and disconnected from our spouses and other family members. We get upset, frustrated and annoyed with our life partners, children and parents. And so we tarnish the deep connection with people closest to us by arguing with them, and mostly about rather inconsequential things. That puts a major hamper on our happiness.

When it happens, Ms. Rigler suggests we stop looking at the circumstances through “right or wrong” glasses, trying to make everything right every time someone else is wrong. Instead she offers to put on “connection or disconnection” glasses, when the most important is not to prove that you are right at any cost, but to stay connected with the other person. When we consciously choose connection as our ultimate goal, our behavior changes. Ms. Rigler finds that spouses who choose to cultivate connection have much happier marriages while still being able to solve any disagreement in friendly and respectful ways.

Art by AthenA-gRace

Another very powerful feeling is the connection to a higher power, to God, to the creation, the connection to spiritual plane of our world. In Judaism, being connected to HaShem (God) is the purpose of practicing the Torah Law and the true path to happiness[4]. In the highest level of yoga called Samadhi, connection with all the creation is the ultimate goal of the practitioner. Any spiritual practice cultivates connection to something bigger than us by praying, meditating, believing. Many people experience tremendous joy from these kinds of connections.

There are other important and very gratifying connections in our lives: to nature, to animals, to expression through art and music, or even to abstract ideas.

When we feel connection through loving someone, feeling strong about an idea, or believing in the higher power we get charged with energy and the motivation to do great things, as well as the satisfaction and happiness.

As with everything else in life, we must exercise moderation, a proper balance. Connecting with the wrong people or the wrong ideas may be draining or even hurtful. We need to know who and what to reach out to and what to distance ourselves from.

Feeling connected to something recharges our batteries. It is also important to enjoy solitude and be content with your own company. Maxwell Maltz, a Jewish-American doctor and author said "If you make friends with yourself you will never be alone." We cannot be harmonious beings through connection only. We need self-reliance, introspection and some quietness. Being alone can recharge our batteries as much as the feeling of connectedness. Striking the balance that is right for you promotes happiness.

Practice:

• Start by smiling. Smile to strengthen your existing bonds (with family and friends) and smile to create new ones. People are attracted to a smiling face.

• Connect with like-minded people. You may feel that you do not have anything in common with others to develop a bond. But rest assured: there are people like you out there. And probably they feel the same way.

• When in conflict with the closest family members, such as your spouse, your kids or your parents, ask yourself what is most important to you overall – to prove that you are clever and right or to stay connected and close. On the whole, do you want to be in the world of connection with them or in the world of estrangement? Once you decide you want to choose connection over estrangement, you may realize that disagreements can be solved without insults or bickering[5].

Art by m1kikey

• Hugging is one of the easiest ways to connect, and a very effective one. And now it has been scientifically proven that hugging for 20 seconds releases oxytocin, a hormone that makes us feel happier. Strengthen your bonds with hugs, you will feel happier and more content with life![6]

• Connect through a shared project. Buddy up for activities such as exercise, going to museums, or whatever you can think of. Volunteer for your community organization. Enroll into sport teams or classes that interest you. Make the practicing of happiness skills a family project. When you share your goals, support and motivate each other, you develop a connection (and as a bonus, achieve your goals faster).

• Connect with happy people. When we are close to content, happy people, we learn from their attitude and may begin emulating their happiness.

art by kceb14

• If having a feeling of deep connection with other people is challenging for you, focus on other connections as discussed above.

• Explore a connection through spirituality by going to places of worship and/or going on nature walks. Connect with the uniqueness and the preciousness of the present moment through being in awe with the vastness of the Universe, the beauty of a starry sky, or the limitlessness of the horizon[7].

• Set time aside just for you, for being with yourself. Enjoy the solitude. Connect with the rich world inside of you. Meditate.

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[1] Heaven and Hell, The Barefoot Book of Jewish Tales by Rabbi Shoshana Boyd Gelfand

[2] Emma M. Seppala, PhD., http://www.psycologytoday.com/blog/feeling-it/201304/8-powerful-ways-turn-loneliness-deep-connection

[3] Sarah Yoheved Rigler, http://www.sararigler.com

[4] Rabbi David Aaron, Living a Joyous Life: The True Spirit of Jewish Practice

[5] Kesher wife workshop by Sara Yoheved Rigler

[6] http://www.tydknow.com/did-you-know-that-a-hug-that-lasts-for-20-seconds-releases-oxytocin-which-can-make/#sthash.EsSpvrwW.dpuf

[7] Association for Psychological Science. "Being in awe can expand time and enhance well-being." ScienceDaily. www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/07/120719161901.htm

Mindfulness vs Distancing: The Right Perspective

"Man’s basic vice, the source of all his evils, is the act of unfocusing his mind, the suspension of his consciousness, which is not blindness, but the refusal to see, not ignorance, but the refusal to know."

 ~Ayn Rand, The Virtue of Selfishness

Life is beautiful. If you forget about the past and do not think about the future.

~Unknown

Did you know that mindfulness correlates to increasing levels of happiness? With help of brain imaging, neuroscientists demonstrated that it does (1).


Mindfulness: What Is It?

Mindfulness is conscious awareness of self and the surroundings in the present moment. It occurs when we pay complete attention to our current activity, to what we say, what we do, what we experience. Mindfulness is acknowledging our moment-to-moment thoughts and feelings, and accepting them non-judgmentally.

It may be easier to understand what mindfulness is, if we list what it is not:

• saying something without really meaning to;
  doing something automatically (such as snacking while watching TV and being somewhat unaware of how we have finished all the food); 
• spacing out; 
• having to ask the other person to repeat the last sentence because our mind was elsewhere; 
• focusing on the end result without enjoying the process (e.g. getting a college degree without enjoying the process of learning, or getting a room clean without concentrating on the mopping, etc.);

Mindfulness is a skill of focusing on whatever is happening right now (which is basically the only period we truly live in; not a moment ago and not a moment ahead. Our lives are happening in one moment only – the present moment). It is the skill of not doing or saying something automatically, but paying attention to it, considering and grasping it.

Getting Distracted

The opposite of mindfulness is getting distracted from what we are doing right now. We get distracted a lot.

Once in a while we have to switch gears urgently due to some valid and urgent reasons.

Often we get distracted purposefully. We call it multitasking, and it is a desired skill. We are always in such a hurry to get everything done that it seems sensible to try doing several things at the same time, like proofreading a report while eating lunch or texting while driving. The underlying belief is the more things we “juggle”, the more time we save and the more active and achieving we are. But in juggling, if we lose concentration, we drop a ball. And it is not always perceptible that when we decide to save time by doing several things at once, we end up not fully enjoying each action (e.g. having the aforementioned lunch without savoring it), ultimately being less efficient by underdoing (missing mistakes on the report), or overdoing  (eating more food while distracted) and even putting ourselves in danger (doing something while driving).

I read a comment by a disgruntled tech support representative who fumed about people calling in for assistance while multitasking, like feeding a baby, taking calls on the other line, etc. They lack the focus to understand basic instructions, like right click or left click, or terms like "upper right hand corner." Every step has to be repeated several times because these people are not paying attention. Ultimately, a four minute call stretches into 24 minutes, robbing both the representative and the caller of time.

So we get distracted by circumstances or by trying to multitask. But I believe that we get distracted

art credit: see note below

most without even noticing, purely because we do not focus on the task at hand. I catch myself at it, and I witness it daily as I watch my kids. They start the morning routine, the homework, the meals, or cleaning up, and instead of finishing, they get sidetracked by wondering off to play, snack, stare into the window or go check on what the other one is doing. And so every task takes probably three times as long as it should.

I tell them to be mindful, to focus on what they are doing, so that they will do it well and quickly, and then will be able to focus on the next activity. I try to impress on them that if they concentrate on the task at hand, they will understand it better and enjoy it more. I tell them that doing several things without really thinking about any of them will result in not fully experiencing any. I explain that by hurrying to do it all without concentrating, ultimately they will take much longer. I can see these are not easy concepts for them to grasp.

When I first heard about mindfulness myself, I did not really understand what is such a big deal about it. By definition, we all are living in the present (when else?), so what does it mean, “to be in the moment”? And if we are doing something, it obviously means we are doing it now, so why emphasize the need to focus on it?

I did not fully appreciate the concept of mindfulness when I first learned about it. But I started to notice that my thoughts often drift away when I do routine tasks like doing the dishes or driving, so much so that I sometimes find that I already made the left turn on a major intersection without remembering doing so. I guess I did it automatically without being mindful about it, without focusing on it. It is such a small and basically insignificant detail, that it was only mildly interesting to notice it. But I realized that the same thing happens all the time. I fail to notice the blooming flowers when I walk past them while I think about my to do list for later. I cannot remember where I put the phone or the keys because as I was putting them down, instead of focusing on that moment and that action, I was thinking of something else. I fail to focus on my life this very minute while my thoughts are somewhere else.

Doing one thing and thinking of another may feel like saving time, but in actuality, we lose time, and scarier yet, we lose our life, because we do not notice how it passes by while we daydream about happiness…

art credit: see note below

Occasionally, I try to take five minutes to meditate, which means to sit quietly, shut down all thoughts, and concentrate on something, for example, on the feelings of the body. It is not easy. I catch myself thinking about something absolutely irrelevant most of the time. It is a great exercise in mindfulness. I did not yet manage to sit a full minute without a single thought, just experiencing the present moment. But it gives me a very good idea about how I get distracted from the present, and it helps me notice when my mind starts drifting away and try to refocus it on what I am doing.

It took me some time to “get” mindfulness, and it will take some more to practice it and be truly mindful and present in every moment.

Present Time is Now

We often lose the present in favor of analyzing/reminiscing about the past or dreaming/fretting about the future. A Laya Yoga monk once told me that people busy their minds with thinking about the past, which is gone forever and cannot be changed and the future, which did not happen and is unknowable. The only experience we can feel, change, and live is the present.

Letting go of the past and not anticipating the future is the essence of mindfulness.

Benefits of Mindfulness

When we are mindful, each our decision is conscientious, which translates into us taking greater responsibilities for life choices and better control over our lives.

Psychotherapists are coming to embrace mindfulness as a method for re-training the mind to think and react to events in a different way. Practicing mindfulness helps us recognize our habitual patterns of mind, which allows us to respond in new rather than habitual ways to our life (2).

It is believed that practicing mindfulness makes the practitioner happier. Meditation is a great exercise for mindfulness. Research shows that meditation increases the activity of the left prefrontal cortex area of our brains, which is associated with feelings of happiness, joy and enthusiasm. Dr. Richard Davidson, director of the Laboratory for Affective Neuroscience at the University of Wisconsin believes that meditation can mold our brains to develop happier temperaments (3).

Mindfulness vs. Distancing: The Right Balance

by ~FuturamaJSP

Mindfulness is a focused awareness of the present moment. Like I discussed above, it is extremely beneficial for us to live mindfully. But even good things can be overdone and become harmful instead of useful. For example, fretting too much over every detail is a prescription for an anxiety

Distancing behavior means remaining cool and avoiding becoming involved.

disorder, not happiness. Looking at everything through a magnifying glass and noticing every imperfection (which can be found in anything and everything) is emotionally exhausting.
Appreciate life as a whole. Do not amplify (overemphasize) lousy parts of life. Realize that it may be just a bad day in overall good life.

Moderation is key for anything in our lives, and so we have to find the right balance between mindfulness and distancing, and use both of them wisely.


I will list some mindfulness exercises in my next posts.



References:

(1) The Mindful Attention Awareness Scale for Adolescents (MAAS-A): Psychometric Properties in a Dutch Sample by E. I. de Bruin, B. J. H. Zijlstra, E. van de Weijer-Bergsma, S. M. Bögels. http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs12671-011-0061-6

(2) "Mindfulness and Integrative Psychotherapy" at www.mindfulnessandpsychotherapy.co.uk

(3)“Scientists Meditate on Happiness, http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/news/2003/09/60452?currentPage=all




* art credit: I do not know who created these beautiful pictures. If you do, let me know and I will attribute it.

Does Happiness Require Settling?

Once I heard a parable about a poor man lying under a banana tree eating a banana. Another man comes up to him and asks,

- Where have you gotten the banana?  

- Plucked it from the tree. 

art by ~DicklessHunter

- Well, you could pick a few bananas and sell them.

- What for? 

- With that money you could hire someone to help you pick more bananas, and sell them, too.   

- What for? 

- In a month, you'd be able to hire 10-15 people picking bananas for you, selling them, and making a lot of money... 

- What for? 

- Well, then you would be able to lie under a tree, eat a banana, enjoy the life and do nothing! 

- But I already do!

Indeed, having a more easygoing attitude is a powerful shortcut to a happier life. It is liberating to realize that we do not need much to be happy. That being happy is being peaceful and content with life at all times and all junctures.

We go through life surrounded by infinite details and choices. Our mood and happiness depend on myriads of daily conscious and unconscious decisions about what we focus on and what we let go; which desires, possessions, events, and battles do or do not deserve our emotional investment.

So it may seem that since happiness does not really depend on external factors, we should not desire them. Why aspire for success or career when we can be happy without? Why bother creating a family, compromise and sacrifice our freedoms, when it will bring us as much aggravation as bliss, especially if ultimately we should not rely on anyone else to make us happy except ourselves? Why do anything when we can just work on cultivating peacefulness and contentment?

Even our values seem to be in the way of happiness. "Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?" This seemingly unassuming and seemingly obvious question hints at a univocal choice: fight to be right or settle and be happy.

It sounds that the way to happiness is to take whatever happens to us without challenging, giving up on our dreams, ambitions, beliefs and values.

In order to be happy, do we need to settle?

We will get trapped by this question, if we try to give a definitive “yes” or “no” answer:

art by ~conradyoung

Yes! We need to settle. If we are not as happy as we want to be, we need to change our attitude, we need to change ourselves. If we take everything to heart, if we let all the stuff that goes on rankle us, if presence of problems and absence of solutions anger or depress us, we will get nowhere near happy.

On the other hand, no! Our values, desires and ideas make us who we are. We should not sacrifice our integrity! Being happy may be much more important than being "right" in a petty argument. But what about major issues? Is being happy more important than fighting for our ideals, our ideas, our loved ones, our freedom, our rights, or our values?

Besides, even if we would rather be overall happy, would we be able to disengage from the things that are important to us? It may be rather easy to let go of non-essential things. But when the choice comes to deeply ingrained values, many tend to insist on being right.

So what's the solution? This is a tricky choice. As always, the truth is somewhere in the middle.

If we throw ourselves too much into either direction, we would be forgetting the other essential cornerstone of happiness - moderation. Without moderation every pleasure turns into suffering (see post Happiness vs. Pleasure), bravery turns into stupidity, loves turns into smothering, and the pursuit of happiness may turn into settling, indifference and apathy. It works the same way for the other extreme. If we do not let go of anything, take everything too close to heart, always fight to be right, we risk being miserable, emotionally wrecked and exhausted for the rest of our lives.

We need to sustain the right balance for absolutely everything we do, including contentment (see post on moderation).

It is important not to confuse contentment with complacency. Contentment does not mean inactivity. Being content does not mean settling and never wanting anything else because we are satisfied with the way things are. It means recognizing that even if we are not satisfied with what we presently have or what we presently are, it is sufficient to be grateful and joyful on the road to achieving our goals.

To get into this state of mind, we need to find the right proportion of not caring too much and not caring too little.

Taking a look at the life through the prism of our present understanding of happiness will put our goals in perspective. We may realize that some things we yearn for or fret about are not as overall important as we are used to think, whereas the meaningful things will remain meaningful.

The appraisal of what is meaningful is very personal. Some may want to impact the world, eliminate hunger, or invent flying cars. Others may want things that impact them personally, for example, see their kids graduate from college or quit smoking.

art by ~mole2k

So the compromise is to recognize which goals and ambitions are not essential for us and let them go, and which are important, and aspire toward them. But happiness is not an either/or proposition. It does not appear when we follow our dreams or when we settle for what we have. We should not put it on hold until we finally reach our goals. We should combine the desire to change something and the contentment with the present situation while we work on the change.

Surely, once we achieve our goals and turn the dreams into reality, we will be happy. But as often, our efforts may not come to fruition. The end results of our struggles may not be what we wished for. We should be ready for this outcome as well. Not getting something we want, even the noblest goal, should not disturb our mental state.

The happiness I discuss is the contentment with the process of life itself. The perspective, the balance of not completely giving ourselves over to some goal or idea, and not giving up on it entirely, either. It is being happy while working our way to it, and staying content and balanced whatever the result is.

So happiness is an intricate balance of being both content with what we have, but not settling or giving up on our dreams.

Look forward to your life. Know what your goals are and work to reach them. Just continue to be happy in the interim.