Make Room for Negative Emotions (Can't Live With Them, Can't Live Without Them)

art by ~lovelylittlesunshine

It is generally agreed upon and taught to everyone since we are little that we should develop the "good" feelings in us and work on minimizing the "bad" ones. Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative. We are so used to this that we go through life taking it for granted. We genuinely try to be "better" people, to overcome fear and pain and be braver, to overcome irritation and be non-judgmental, to disregard tiredness and occasional apathy and push on, never quit, to overcome feeling depressed or disappointed and to always think positively. Nonetheless, we still experience the "bad" emotions and feel guilty for it.

But I believe that negative emotions are a natural part of us, and in moderation, they are necessary.

However nice it is to be positive and think positive, we will not be able to exist without negative emotions, because they signal something is wrong, make us aware of the surroundings and thus, protect us. 

For example, fear is a form of our survival instinct. To have no healthy fear is not wise and can bring our demise. Pain lets us know when we are in a dangerous situation. People who have a very high pain threshold (for example, with severe Diabetes) can step on glass without noticing and end up with infected wounds, or have a heart attack without feeling the chest pain and not seek medical help. Tiredness signals we need to rest and replenish our energy so that we don't drop, and so on.

Negative emotions spur us on. When we do not like the present circumstances, it makes us work toward something better, something more acceptable, something more comfortable.  If we are not satisfied, it may help us become better and more successful. Oftentimes, growth and progress occur not in spite of unpleasant experiences but because of them.

Negative emotions are evidence of our sound mental health. We may dream about the perfect life, but in the real world the good and the bad mixed in together. And we have to react adequately. That means to accentuate the positive and to notice the negative, and adjust our behavior accordingly. 

The trick is to be balanced, to match the negative reaction to the scale of the adverse event. We should distinguish between real tragedies and nuisances in our lives. 

When we go through a life altering experience such as a divorce, onset of a serious disease, loss of loved ones, etc., it is normal to go through the stages of grieve[1] that include denial, anger, rage, envy, sadness, depression, regret, fear, detachment, and more.

If we get a traffic ticket or a bad grade in school, a lot of the above emotional responses would be an exaggeration that can throw us out of balance.

In his book How to Lose Control and Gain Emotional Freedom, Jerry D. Duvinsky, PhD writes that we are conditioned to think that emotions such as grief, anger, despair, helplessness, or loneliness are inherently bad, evil, dangerous, or wrong, so we feel the need to control them, suppress them, or disregard them. Granted, they are uncomfortable, powerful, and at times rather inconvenient. But our attempts to avoid them may produce deeper problems and lead to more suffering.

Negative emotions are intrinsic and indivisible part of us that helps us adjust, survive and improve ourselves. Instead of spending much effort to suppress them, we should recognize that unpleasant emotions are just symptoms of something else happening. Otherwise, we may give into them and behave in a destructive way. For example, quitting a job because of giving into feeling not appreciated by colleagues who did not invite you to an office party, or cheating on spouse because of giving into feeling angry with him for not putting the toilet seat up. 

Instead, we should accept that life is not supposed to be perfect or easy. We will waste a lot of our vital energy wishing to never get hurt, scared, or disappointed. Rather, we should be glad that we have the ability to distinguish the good from the bad in our lives. We should acknowledge full range of our emotions as our faithful messengers of our environment, without labeling them "bad" or otherwise, and learn to recognize and deal with their cause, instead of focusing on the emotion itself.  For example, it is not the pain that is our problem, but the nail we stepped on. We can suppress the pain by taking pills, but we would be much better off removing the nail. Instead of being overwhelmed by an emotion, we should resolve its cause.  So if we get a bad grade in school, we should not mope around and feel stupid, but study to get a better one on the next test.

Negative emotions are a necessary part of us. So if we try to ignore them and smile despite anything, then firstly, our life can be endangered, secondly, we cannot react to circumstances adequately and wisely, and thirdly, we can develop personality disorders. If we ever will reach the mental state when we think only positive thoughts and smile all the time, it is possible we've gone crazy. So make room for some negative emotions in your head. And as always, remember that everything is good in moderation.

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[1] The Kübler-Ross model (a.k.a., "the five stages of grief"), which hypothesizes that when a person is faced with a life altering or a life threatening event, he/she will experience a series of emotional "stages": denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and, acceptance.

 

Happiness and Ethics

In process of redefining happiness, this post looks at ethics as one of the aspects connected to it.

Ethics is moral principles that define right and wrong. The norms are different, and they change depending on times, religion, culture, peer group and many other factors. Like the very ideas of “good” and “bad”, ethics is a relative notion. What is ethical for one is unacceptable for another (consider different ethical approaches to abortions, euthanasia, capital sentence, traditional vs. non-traditional family, and almost anything else). However, as imprecise as ethics is, it is in large part the reason behind our choices and actions – grand ones and everyday small ones. 

Behaving in the ethical way, being "good" is usually believed to be rewarded by being happy both during this life (when good triumphs over evil, everyone lives happily ever after) and in the afterlife (the concept of paradise). I will concentrate on the life as we know it - here and now.

There is also a reciprocal relationship - some philosophers assert that whatever makes you happy is by definition, ethical.

I believe that happiness is not directly related to morals, society norms or ethics, and being good does not necessarily mean being happy. Plenty of us have never killed, or stolen, or cheated on their spouses. It doesn't mean that we all are automatically happy people. 

Happiness can be found in exercising the moral virtues. But not necessarily. One can do good and not feel happy, or one may do bad and feel happy. It depends on what takes priority for each individual in case if a choice is required: doing the right thing or being happy.

This is not to say that we are released from any moral obligation and may run outside and wreck havoc. We still must behave ethically and in accordance with our conscience for the sake of doing the right thing. But it is useful to recognize what happiness is and what it is not, as well as what our priorities are.

Happiness comes from inside us. It is our reaction to ourselves, to our actions and to the outside world.  We are happy when we are content with what we do, even if it is not what is accepted by others. Happiness is being in peace with yourself, knowing, accepting and liking yourself. 

(art by NARUTODANINJA)