Cultivate Connection

We humans are open systems, continuously exchanging feedback with the external environment. We look well defined and finite, but our feelings, thoughts, words and actions reach far beyond the space our physical bodies occupy. No man is an island. We impact everything around us just by being. And in return we are influenced by it all. Therefore, while it is good to be introspective and self-sufficient, we flourish in connecting to the outside world and being a part of something bigger than we are.

By connecting I do not mean the polite small talk at a meeting or a Facebook account. Connection that leads to the feelings of happiness, wellbeing and, some researchers say, even health benefits is the internal feeling of a strong bond with someone or something.

People are fulfilled in all kinds of connections. One of the biggest bonds we feel is the connection to other people through love, friendship, parenthood, volunteering, work, through sports, shared hobbies and projects.

Art by Amanda Hall

Rabbi Shoshana Boyd Gelfand tells a story that showcases beautifully how people make the same circumstances into hell or heaven solely by their attitude[1]. It also shows the importance and effects of connecting with other people.

As a reward for her benevolent life, Ariella, a lamed-vavnik (one of the thirty-six people in the world who are completely good) was taken to see Hell and Heaven. In Hell she saw a magnificent palace with an opulent dining hall. The tables were filled with the most delicious food: fragrant soups, creamy cheeses, fresh vegetables, juicy fruits, and exquisite cakes. But the people in the room all looked thin, hungry and unhappy. When Ariella looked carefully, she noticed why the people did not eat the scrumptious food: they all had splints strapped to their arms so they could not bend their elbows. They could pick up the food, but there is no way of getting it into their mouths. She was sad that they sit amongst plenty but starve.

Next, the lamed-vavnik went to visit Heaven. She found herself in a beautiful palace once again. The dining hall was also laden with all kinds of fragrant and delicious dishes. And the people at the table all looked healthy and well fed. They were happy and chatted with each other as they settled down to eat the wonderful meal laid out before them. But to her surprise, Ariella noticed that everybody in Haven had exactly the same splints on their arms as the people in Hell.

Art by Amanda Hall

“Same palace, same meal, same splints, same everything,” she murmured to herself. “The same challenges and opportunities exist in Haven as in Hell. What is different?” And then Ariella saw that although the people in Haven could not bend their arms to feed themselves, they were stretching the arms to feed each other. And if food dropped from someone’s fork, or missed a person’s mouth, they simply laughed and tried again. The people had fun. No one was angry, and everyone was getting enough to eat.

Ariella understood the difference between Heaven and Hell. She returned home and told others about her visit and the lessons she has learned. “Heaven and Hell are not just placed that you go to after you die,” she would tell the children who sat at her feet. “They are also part of how each of us looks at the world every day. And people who reach out to others are already halfway to Heaven.”

Cultivating connection with others does not mean we must be friends with heaps of people. Research shows that the well-being resulting from connecting comes not from the number of friends we have, but from our internal sense of bond toward others. So it is enough to have one friend. And we we feel deeply connected to someone on the inside, we are still benefiting from that feeling even if that person is not our friend[2].

Sarah Yoheved Rigler, a prominent Jewish speaker and author, teaches that marriage is the opportunity for the deepest and the biggest connection with another human being[3]. Unfortunately, we do not always use this opportunity. At times we feel hurt and disconnected from our spouses and other family members. We get upset, frustrated and annoyed with our life partners, children and parents. And so we tarnish the deep connection with people closest to us by arguing with them, and mostly about rather inconsequential things. That puts a major hamper on our happiness.

When it happens, Ms. Rigler suggests we stop looking at the circumstances through “right or wrong” glasses, trying to make everything right every time someone else is wrong. Instead she offers to put on “connection or disconnection” glasses, when the most important is not to prove that you are right at any cost, but to stay connected with the other person. When we consciously choose connection as our ultimate goal, our behavior changes. Ms. Rigler finds that spouses who choose to cultivate connection have much happier marriages while still being able to solve any disagreement in friendly and respectful ways.

Art by AthenA-gRace

Another very powerful feeling is the connection to a higher power, to God, to the creation, the connection to spiritual plane of our world. In Judaism, being connected to HaShem (God) is the purpose of practicing the Torah Law and the true path to happiness[4]. In the highest level of yoga called Samadhi, connection with all the creation is the ultimate goal of the practitioner. Any spiritual practice cultivates connection to something bigger than us by praying, meditating, believing. Many people experience tremendous joy from these kinds of connections.

There are other important and very gratifying connections in our lives: to nature, to animals, to expression through art and music, or even to abstract ideas.

When we feel connection through loving someone, feeling strong about an idea, or believing in the higher power we get charged with energy and the motivation to do great things, as well as the satisfaction and happiness.

As with everything else in life, we must exercise moderation, a proper balance. Connecting with the wrong people or the wrong ideas may be draining or even hurtful. We need to know who and what to reach out to and what to distance ourselves from.

Feeling connected to something recharges our batteries. It is also important to enjoy solitude and be content with your own company. Maxwell Maltz, a Jewish-American doctor and author said "If you make friends with yourself you will never be alone." We cannot be harmonious beings through connection only. We need self-reliance, introspection and some quietness. Being alone can recharge our batteries as much as the feeling of connectedness. Striking the balance that is right for you promotes happiness.

Practice:

• Start by smiling. Smile to strengthen your existing bonds (with family and friends) and smile to create new ones. People are attracted to a smiling face.

• Connect with like-minded people. You may feel that you do not have anything in common with others to develop a bond. But rest assured: there are people like you out there. And probably they feel the same way.

• When in conflict with the closest family members, such as your spouse, your kids or your parents, ask yourself what is most important to you overall – to prove that you are clever and right or to stay connected and close. On the whole, do you want to be in the world of connection with them or in the world of estrangement? Once you decide you want to choose connection over estrangement, you may realize that disagreements can be solved without insults or bickering[5].

Art by m1kikey

• Hugging is one of the easiest ways to connect, and a very effective one. And now it has been scientifically proven that hugging for 20 seconds releases oxytocin, a hormone that makes us feel happier. Strengthen your bonds with hugs, you will feel happier and more content with life![6]

• Connect through a shared project. Buddy up for activities such as exercise, going to museums, or whatever you can think of. Volunteer for your community organization. Enroll into sport teams or classes that interest you. Make the practicing of happiness skills a family project. When you share your goals, support and motivate each other, you develop a connection (and as a bonus, achieve your goals faster).

• Connect with happy people. When we are close to content, happy people, we learn from their attitude and may begin emulating their happiness.

art by kceb14

• If having a feeling of deep connection with other people is challenging for you, focus on other connections as discussed above.

• Explore a connection through spirituality by going to places of worship and/or going on nature walks. Connect with the uniqueness and the preciousness of the present moment through being in awe with the vastness of the Universe, the beauty of a starry sky, or the limitlessness of the horizon[7].

• Set time aside just for you, for being with yourself. Enjoy the solitude. Connect with the rich world inside of you. Meditate.

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[1] Heaven and Hell, The Barefoot Book of Jewish Tales by Rabbi Shoshana Boyd Gelfand

[2] Emma M. Seppala, PhD., http://www.psycologytoday.com/blog/feeling-it/201304/8-powerful-ways-turn-loneliness-deep-connection

[3] Sarah Yoheved Rigler, http://www.sararigler.com

[4] Rabbi David Aaron, Living a Joyous Life: The True Spirit of Jewish Practice

[5] Kesher wife workshop by Sara Yoheved Rigler

[6] http://www.tydknow.com/did-you-know-that-a-hug-that-lasts-for-20-seconds-releases-oxytocin-which-can-make/#sthash.EsSpvrwW.dpuf

[7] Association for Psychological Science. "Being in awe can expand time and enhance well-being." ScienceDaily. www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/07/120719161901.htm

A Parable About Happiness or How to Be Joyful When There is Not Much to Be Joyful About




art by  digitalinkcs

 

To be happy, we need to keep the positive attitude. To keep the positive attitude, we need to disregard the negative and focus on the positive. That sounds rather easy for something as monumental as everlasting happiness! Especially, if the sun is shining, everything turns out the way we need it to, the dreams come true, and everyone around is genuinely nice.

Unfortunately,  it often rains and snows, nothing turns out the way we planned, dreams take unexpectedly long  to come true, if ever, and everyone else around is also having a tough time with life and has neither time nor desire to shower us with affection.

We can’t delay feeling happy until everything will get better. That can take a long time. So meanwhile, how do we to stay positive and even happy in face of the everyday life with its never-ending challenges?

Here is a slightly exaggerated example on how to tune out all the negativity and concentrate on the good things, even when things are not so good!

 

A Parable About a Boot

It was springtime. The birds were chirping cheerfully. The sun was reflected in puddles everywhere along the old muddy road. A man walking on it had looked rather scruffy. His shirt was old and torn in some places; his pants were greasy and had patches, his hat was of an indeterminate shape and color, and what's more, he had only one boot on! He was walking with a spring in his step, whistled a tune through a missing tooth, and smiled broadly at another man who happened to walk towards him.

The other man was a regular man. He was dressed normally. He was hurrying alone on his business. He looked respectable. He was disgusted with what he saw.

art by JamieLeigh

“Oh, come on!”, he screamed to the disheveled man, because he just could not stay quiet, “oh, would you look at yourself! You are dirty, you look like you slept in a field somewhere, and your clothes are all muddy and torn! Why on earth are you so happy? What is there to smile about? And oh, look at this, your only boot is torn, and you’ve lost your other one!”

The other man smiled even broader: “Oh no, I haven’t lost it, pal! I’ve found it!”

Turning Dreams Into Reality - Positive Thinking Workshops for Kids

I am so excited and happy! Thanks in part to this blog, I was invited to do positive thinking workshops for kids at a local community "Y"!

The event is sponsored by PJ Library (http://pjlibrary.org/), an organization that provides free age-appropriate books with Jewish-themed values. 

So I decided to pick one book for every workshop, read and discuss it with the kids, and follow that up with a fun project related to our topic. I finish with a "homework", such as smile when you wake up tomorrow, or don't forget to thank mom for breakfast.

So far I did two workshops.

For the first workshop, I've read a book "Joseph Had a Little Overcoat". It is a great book on positive attitude. It is about a small village man called Joseph. He had a beautiful coat which got old and tattered, so he made a jacket out of it. As the jacket got older, he made it into a vest, then a scarf, a tie, then a handkerchief, and finally, a button. But finally even the button got old and eventually got lost. Could he make something else from nothing? Why yes, he wrote a story about it.

This particular story lends beautifully to discussions of positive attitude, such as:

- the power of smile and good mood (which Joseph carried throughout the book)

- the power of positive thoughts - instead of becoming sad, Joseph saw an opportunity

(also having an open mind, dealing positively with adversity, resilience)

- accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative

- optimism

- we do not need a lot of things to be happy

- satisfaction with what we have

- just like Joseph could come up with a story from these events, we can always get positive attitude and good mood from anything.

- personal hygiene - to be happy we need to be healthy, and keeping clean and neat is one way to do it.

- enthusiasm (not be lazy)

- take control of your life (do not wait for something to happen, make it happen as much as you can)

-resourcefulness (how to make "lemonade" from a "lemon")

- gratefulness - appreciate what you have

Of course, it would take hours to go into all of these, so I discussed Joseph's positive attitude, and how if something unpleasant happens (like when Joseph's clothes got old and torn), we can always think of something good in this situation and smile.

I had 4,5,6 and 8-year olds and everyone participated and shared what made them happy (which, predictably, included gifts, and unpredictably, gymnastics and soccer lessons).

The homework for the kids was to get up in the morning, smile and be in a good mood!

For the second workshop, I chose to discuss such an important concept as gratefulness. For that, I read a PJ Library book "The Apple Tree's Discovery".

Together with the kids, we have discussed all the things we can be thankful for. First on the list were gifts, new things, and conveniences, such as being able to take a car to school instead of the school bus. Slowly but surely we arrived to less tangible things, everyday things that we often take for granted, things we forget to be thankful for, even as grown ups, such as the sun, the nature, our talents (for example the ability to draw beautifully or excel at sports), and of course our family, friends, and even the fact that we are alive!

We've also discussed that even if we get something we do not like, e.g. Mom gives us veggies for

lunch instead of pizza :), we still have to remember to be grateful to Mom for the effort.

I tried to make a distinction between a mere politeness in saying thank you automatically and actually noticing all the good things and feeling sincere gratefulness for them.

We followed the lively discussion with a drawing session accompanied by the song "Grateful" by John Bucchino. The kids drew what made them feel grateful. The pictures ranged from a toy to the child's family to summer!

The homework - to remember to thank Mom for the breakfast tomorrow.

I hope the children will be a little more mindful of positive attitude and gratefulness now, the seeds that will flourish into happiness when they become teens and adults.

Mindfulness vs Distancing: The Right Perspective

"Man’s basic vice, the source of all his evils, is the act of unfocusing his mind, the suspension of his consciousness, which is not blindness, but the refusal to see, not ignorance, but the refusal to know."

 ~Ayn Rand, The Virtue of Selfishness

Life is beautiful. If you forget about the past and do not think about the future.

~Unknown

Did you know that mindfulness correlates to increasing levels of happiness? With help of brain imaging, neuroscientists demonstrated that it does (1).


Mindfulness: What Is It?

Mindfulness is conscious awareness of self and the surroundings in the present moment. It occurs when we pay complete attention to our current activity, to what we say, what we do, what we experience. Mindfulness is acknowledging our moment-to-moment thoughts and feelings, and accepting them non-judgmentally.

It may be easier to understand what mindfulness is, if we list what it is not:

• saying something without really meaning to;
  doing something automatically (such as snacking while watching TV and being somewhat unaware of how we have finished all the food); 
• spacing out; 
• having to ask the other person to repeat the last sentence because our mind was elsewhere; 
• focusing on the end result without enjoying the process (e.g. getting a college degree without enjoying the process of learning, or getting a room clean without concentrating on the mopping, etc.);

Mindfulness is a skill of focusing on whatever is happening right now (which is basically the only period we truly live in; not a moment ago and not a moment ahead. Our lives are happening in one moment only – the present moment). It is the skill of not doing or saying something automatically, but paying attention to it, considering and grasping it.

Getting Distracted

The opposite of mindfulness is getting distracted from what we are doing right now. We get distracted a lot.

Once in a while we have to switch gears urgently due to some valid and urgent reasons.

Often we get distracted purposefully. We call it multitasking, and it is a desired skill. We are always in such a hurry to get everything done that it seems sensible to try doing several things at the same time, like proofreading a report while eating lunch or texting while driving. The underlying belief is the more things we “juggle”, the more time we save and the more active and achieving we are. But in juggling, if we lose concentration, we drop a ball. And it is not always perceptible that when we decide to save time by doing several things at once, we end up not fully enjoying each action (e.g. having the aforementioned lunch without savoring it), ultimately being less efficient by underdoing (missing mistakes on the report), or overdoing  (eating more food while distracted) and even putting ourselves in danger (doing something while driving).

I read a comment by a disgruntled tech support representative who fumed about people calling in for assistance while multitasking, like feeding a baby, taking calls on the other line, etc. They lack the focus to understand basic instructions, like right click or left click, or terms like "upper right hand corner." Every step has to be repeated several times because these people are not paying attention. Ultimately, a four minute call stretches into 24 minutes, robbing both the representative and the caller of time.

So we get distracted by circumstances or by trying to multitask. But I believe that we get distracted

art credit: see note below

most without even noticing, purely because we do not focus on the task at hand. I catch myself at it, and I witness it daily as I watch my kids. They start the morning routine, the homework, the meals, or cleaning up, and instead of finishing, they get sidetracked by wondering off to play, snack, stare into the window or go check on what the other one is doing. And so every task takes probably three times as long as it should.

I tell them to be mindful, to focus on what they are doing, so that they will do it well and quickly, and then will be able to focus on the next activity. I try to impress on them that if they concentrate on the task at hand, they will understand it better and enjoy it more. I tell them that doing several things without really thinking about any of them will result in not fully experiencing any. I explain that by hurrying to do it all without concentrating, ultimately they will take much longer. I can see these are not easy concepts for them to grasp.

When I first heard about mindfulness myself, I did not really understand what is such a big deal about it. By definition, we all are living in the present (when else?), so what does it mean, “to be in the moment”? And if we are doing something, it obviously means we are doing it now, so why emphasize the need to focus on it?

I did not fully appreciate the concept of mindfulness when I first learned about it. But I started to notice that my thoughts often drift away when I do routine tasks like doing the dishes or driving, so much so that I sometimes find that I already made the left turn on a major intersection without remembering doing so. I guess I did it automatically without being mindful about it, without focusing on it. It is such a small and basically insignificant detail, that it was only mildly interesting to notice it. But I realized that the same thing happens all the time. I fail to notice the blooming flowers when I walk past them while I think about my to do list for later. I cannot remember where I put the phone or the keys because as I was putting them down, instead of focusing on that moment and that action, I was thinking of something else. I fail to focus on my life this very minute while my thoughts are somewhere else.

Doing one thing and thinking of another may feel like saving time, but in actuality, we lose time, and scarier yet, we lose our life, because we do not notice how it passes by while we daydream about happiness…

art credit: see note below

Occasionally, I try to take five minutes to meditate, which means to sit quietly, shut down all thoughts, and concentrate on something, for example, on the feelings of the body. It is not easy. I catch myself thinking about something absolutely irrelevant most of the time. It is a great exercise in mindfulness. I did not yet manage to sit a full minute without a single thought, just experiencing the present moment. But it gives me a very good idea about how I get distracted from the present, and it helps me notice when my mind starts drifting away and try to refocus it on what I am doing.

It took me some time to “get” mindfulness, and it will take some more to practice it and be truly mindful and present in every moment.

Present Time is Now

We often lose the present in favor of analyzing/reminiscing about the past or dreaming/fretting about the future. A Laya Yoga monk once told me that people busy their minds with thinking about the past, which is gone forever and cannot be changed and the future, which did not happen and is unknowable. The only experience we can feel, change, and live is the present.

Letting go of the past and not anticipating the future is the essence of mindfulness.

Benefits of Mindfulness

When we are mindful, each our decision is conscientious, which translates into us taking greater responsibilities for life choices and better control over our lives.

Psychotherapists are coming to embrace mindfulness as a method for re-training the mind to think and react to events in a different way. Practicing mindfulness helps us recognize our habitual patterns of mind, which allows us to respond in new rather than habitual ways to our life (2).

It is believed that practicing mindfulness makes the practitioner happier. Meditation is a great exercise for mindfulness. Research shows that meditation increases the activity of the left prefrontal cortex area of our brains, which is associated with feelings of happiness, joy and enthusiasm. Dr. Richard Davidson, director of the Laboratory for Affective Neuroscience at the University of Wisconsin believes that meditation can mold our brains to develop happier temperaments (3).

Mindfulness vs. Distancing: The Right Balance

by ~FuturamaJSP

Mindfulness is a focused awareness of the present moment. Like I discussed above, it is extremely beneficial for us to live mindfully. But even good things can be overdone and become harmful instead of useful. For example, fretting too much over every detail is a prescription for an anxiety

Distancing behavior means remaining cool and avoiding becoming involved.

disorder, not happiness. Looking at everything through a magnifying glass and noticing every imperfection (which can be found in anything and everything) is emotionally exhausting.
Appreciate life as a whole. Do not amplify (overemphasize) lousy parts of life. Realize that it may be just a bad day in overall good life.

Moderation is key for anything in our lives, and so we have to find the right balance between mindfulness and distancing, and use both of them wisely.


I will list some mindfulness exercises in my next posts.



References:

(1) The Mindful Attention Awareness Scale for Adolescents (MAAS-A): Psychometric Properties in a Dutch Sample by E. I. de Bruin, B. J. H. Zijlstra, E. van de Weijer-Bergsma, S. M. Bögels. http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs12671-011-0061-6

(2) "Mindfulness and Integrative Psychotherapy" at www.mindfulnessandpsychotherapy.co.uk

(3)“Scientists Meditate on Happiness, http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/news/2003/09/60452?currentPage=all




* art credit: I do not know who created these beautiful pictures. If you do, let me know and I will attribute it.

Too Lazy to Feel Amazing

art by *SonSurfer

We do not feel as happy as we could (hence the positive psychology, self-help books, and this blog).

Do you ever notice similar lacking in other positive emotional areas?

-       we are not as curious as we could be

-       we are not as loving

-       we are not as kind

Why not?

It seems contradictory. Being upset, annoyed, scared, frustrated, and angry takes a lot of mental energy. But we still react on par with the cause (or easily overreact). Being content seems to be easier and better. However, more often than not, we do not react as strongly when all is well and we are being comfortable.

We emote negative feelings out of necessity, when something bothers us. We can get anxious and miserable long before something negative has happened and stay upset or depressed long after the irritant is gone. On the other hand, when nothing troubles us, and we emote by choice rather than out of perceived necessity, we often choose not too. And if we do, we hardly maintain the same level of positive emotion for the entire time all is well. We often let the nice things slide unacknowledged or even get somewhat bored when nothing too exciting is happening.  It seems we are too lazy to focus on, appreciate and react to the good things around us.

Besides, recently I heard a theory that experiencing negative emotions comes naturally to us because negative emotions stimulated survival actions in our ancestors. Fear helped them avoid danger; anger and aggression helped them dominate over enemies; dissatisfaction spurred on discovery of fire and tools. Negative emotions helped us stay alive. Positive emotions did not figure in the survival mode of life. It is nice to feel loving, peaceful and gracious, but it will not safe your life in the wild. * So it seems emoting positive feelings needs to be learned and practiced.

The emotional laziness goes even further. Not only we tend to under-react to the pleasant, we also tend to shift the responsibility for our moods (positive and especially negative) to other people and circumstances and away from ourselves. We do it automatically when we say something like: “They annoying me” instead of “I am impatient with them ” or “Today is a bad day” instead of “I lost my temper”. Similarly, our good mood largely depends on something pleasant happening to us instead of it originating from inside (though we already noticed that sometimes we are too sluggish to be positive even in good circumstances). We let emotion happen to us instead of actively creating them.

Martin Seligman and Sonja Lyubomirsky believe that our inborn personality

partially determines the range of happiness we can attain. Our own thinking and will power determines where we are on this range. The easiest is to stay where we are now; that does not require any further effort and comes naturally. We can sink further down, or we can work and push our happiness level to the top of our ability. But that requires mental effort, discipline, repetition and lots of practice.

Even though a smile is better than a snarl, and emoting positive feelings is certainly less physically and mentally exhausting than being negative, changing our character and the way we react to the external factors is a hard work. It requires too much effort, the results take too long, and in our everyday bustle we just do not have the time for it… In other words, we are too lazy to do it.

Happiness is our attitude.  Our reluctance to work on changing it is somewhat similar to our approaches to changing our body (loosing weight, getting fit, practicing healthy lifestyle and consciously avoiding harmful behaviors).

Similarly to the personalities we get born with, some get born with beautiful bodies and do not have to do anything to stay in shape. But for majority, it requires some effort. The ideal body shape may be limited by our genes, but we still can do a lot with our bodies if we really want to.

Arnold Schwartzenegger

We all know someone who was puny and became muscled, or was overweight and became slender. We also know that to loose weight or quit smoking is only half of the success. The most difficult part is to keep it this way. Even after quick diets or plastic surgeries, people need to change their lifestyles to keep the same shape. Transforming the body (and the soul) is hard work, but it is most certainly possible. 

Almost all of us tried to practice fitness at one point or another. So we all know that to actually improve the body, we have to overcome two major factors – our habits and our laziness. But recently, the society offers great encouragement and support for healthy lifestyle. There is an entire culture geared for promoting body fitness: age restriction for alcohol consumption, anti-smoking campaigns, weight losing competitions, and calorie charts in fast food menus. Unfortunately, the society does not focus on our mental fitness as much. There is no age restriction on tantrum throwing, no ban on screaming at other drivers from your car, no reality shows about losing bad attitude, no campaigns that just remind us how wonderful everything is around us.

Despite all the support for body fitness and all the dire health consequences we are facing if we neglect it, we are still reluctant to make all the effort. It is easier to stay in and watch TV than go to gym and sweat. And the body is a physical, tangible form. Any changes, though not fast or simple, are much easier to see and feel than the changes of our invisible and mysterious psyche. Nevertheless, if we want to be in a good emotional shape, we have to work on it the same way we have to work on our physical shape.

There is so little standing between us and our happiness! There are no insurmountable obstacles and no overwhelming and undefeatable circumstances. It’s only our habitual laziness.

art by worldpress

Exercises:

1. Simply notice all the nice things in your life. Do not take them for granted and let them go unacknowledged. Notice the way birds sing while you are walking. Love the way the sun warms you up. Marvel at the invention of toilets, cars and bread slicers. Notice that your spouse looks nice today, say it out loud, and smile.

2. Work on being in a good mood. For every negative thought and emotion, come up with five true positive responses to the surroundings. E.g. my coworkers annoy me. But: I am alive, the sun is shining, my child told me she loves me, etc.

3. Next level: realize that there is nothing completely negative. For every negative thought come up with five good and truthful thoughts about the same subject. For example, my coworker annoys me. But, she has nice eyes, she is smart (or kind), without her I have to work twice as much, she can handle tough clients, she makes awesome cookies, she is better than someone else I know, etc.

4. Take responsibility for your emotions away from others. Acknowledge that you are the only one responsible for your reactions and moods. When you catch yourself thinking something like “he angers me”, correct yourself into thinking “I am angry with him”, etc.

Once we do that, we can work on reacting more positively to the outside world. It will not come naturally to those who are not used to it.  But if we are moral, self-reliant, and hard-working, we can teach ourselves to be happy.

art by ~InspectorLupus

* as discussed by Kim Stephenson, author of Taming the Pound”, http://www.tamingthepound.com/