Happiness Paradoxes

art by ~ManoWar100, manipulated by olgarythm

Happiness is one of the most basic concepts that we know from childhood. But it is in no way simple or straightforward. It is intricate and deeply individual, it depends among other things on personality, upbringing, habits, psychological and neurological processes, and who knows what else!
I also find that it is rather prone to contradictions. Here are some happiness qualities that appear contradictory:
 

1. Autosuggestion

In the recent years, the happiness field is getting increasingly researched, offering more scientifically-supported findings. Happiness theories describe general rules and behavior trends. Curiously, however, it seems that individual happiness is consistent not with the  objective findings, but with our personal subjective believes. Whatever we deeply believe in, works. If you sincerely believe that selfishness is the key to happiness, it will work for you. If you are sure that selflessness brings happiness to you, then it will. If you know that faith and prayer will make you happy, then they will. If you feel that children make you happy, then they most probably will. So even though there are happiness theories, everyone becomes happy in their own way.

2. Agreeing Is Not Necessary

It does not matter if you agree or disagree with the contents of this post or any other materials on the happiness subject. It is still beneficial to read it all, because contemplating different ideas helps understand your own attitude better, whether you agree or not. It helps you crystalize who you are, become more self-aware and eventually, happier.

3. Intensely Seeking Happiness Precludes It

Happiness is basically the state of being in a good mood. For some people, thinking about their happiness levels only brings them down and sours their mood. Sometimes bringing the happiness issue too much from the unconscious reactions to consciousness actually diminishes the desired happiness level. I think it happens because we stress ourselves too much over not being as happy as we want, and that makes us even less happy with ourselves.

For others, however, thinking about happiness and formulating what it means opens their eyes to it and helps them focus on the right priorities in life.

4. The More We Use It, the More We Loose It

"Love is..." cartoon

Too often we encounter banal phrases and corny images of happiness, goodness, kindness, love, etc. They dilute the true meaning of these important concepts. Gradually, we become cynical about love, kindness and happiness, seeking some vulgar meanings and ulterior motives in them or disregarding them as cliches.

Though we contaminate some important concepts by using the same words to express both superficial, fake feelings and true deep emotions, we need to dig deeper, distinguish between them, and not let the corny ones cheapen or obliterate the true ones.

5. Pure Contradictions

It seems that happiness requires us to embrace and unite contradictions. For example, the notion that we are born predisposed to a certain level of happiness but may change it anyway. To be happier, we are supposed to be mindful but not pay too much attention to details; to feel contentment but want something else and have worthy goals in life; to have relationships with others but be self-sufficient; to pursue happiness but not think about it (see item 3 above).

There is no clear solution to how to have both. I guess, it is something that each of us has to practice.

6. Negativity Is Easier Than Positivity

Due to emotional laziness, for some of us it is easier to stay upset when we consider our circumstances bad, than to stay happy when we consider the circumstances good.  To me, it is the ultimate paradox, but I see too often how people readily get angry or upset at the slightest trigger, but ignore nice things altogether. 

7. Outside-in Versus Inside-out

A lot of things make us happy:  a sunny day, winning the lottery, someone being nice, well-behaved children, loving spouses, comfortable living, achieving goals, etc. The paradox is that to become truly happy, we have to somewhat disregard whatever happens to us (and influences our mood) and focus of the internal state of happiness. We should practice the capability to be happy without any triggers or, at the highest level of mastery, even despite negative events.

Here is another contradiction to ponder: possibly, by writing this post I got to understand happiness a little better and also became more confused…

Conceptualize Happiness

Art by ~ghettojack

Often it feels that we are in such a hurry to become happier, that we forget to stop and think what "happiness" is, and what it means to us. 

The very first step to lasting happiness is to formulate what it is and what it isn’t.

Each of us is different. We perceive the world differently. Our five senses, our physical experiences, spiritual experiences, our  mental processes and emotions are different. 

On the physical level, we are different on the outside, which is pretty obvious by our looks, as well as on the inside (which sometimes is less obvious, but nonetheless, very true). We perceive and relate to the smell, the sound, the touch, the sight, and the taste individually. For example, each of us experiences pain differently: some endure it, others cannot tolerate it at all, some bear it silently, others moan and yell. Our attitude to pain is different as well. Some find it unpleasant but tolerable, while others fear it and will go to great length to avoid it, whereas others find pleasure in it. Such difference of perception happens with any physical experience.

The same individuality applies to our spiritual, intellectual, moral and emotional functions. When we read the same book or watch the same movie, we each pay attention to different cues, and arrive to slightly (or vastly) different conclusions. One may like it, another love it passionately and want to re-read it or watch it again,  the third one resent it, the forth one will not be able to get past the first chapter/ten minutes, and someone else might find it boring and forget it in a week. 

We love differently, we grieve differently, we think differently, we memorize differently. We hold different notions of kindness, beauty, good and evil. By the same token, there is no universal notion of happiness. It is a general term for something that we experience distinctly and dissimilarly to others. 

Therefore, we should not try to emulate the displays of happiness that we see in other people or on television and movies. If you are not the smiley, bouncy type, do not think that you are less happy because you do not laugh out loud when something nice happens to you. Happiness may be experienced in different ways - it can be loud, fun, cheerful, gay, merry, hilarious or it can be quiet, contemplative, insightful, content, peaceful. We can feel it differently at different times and the way we experience happiness may change with age.

Do not expect to naturally react to life similarly to your heroes, parents, or friends. And do not expect or insist that your children react to things the same way as you do. They are different inside the same way they look differently or have different fingerprints than you.

To be able to control things, we should be able to conceptualize them. For many centuries, humans did not understand the nature and causes of various diseases. Therefore, they were believed to be divine punishment, similar to other phenomena, such as thunder, lightning, or eclipse. Now in many cases we have a better understanding of disease processes, what they are and what causes them, and we can control them better by prevention or treatment.

So, to be happy let us first conceptualize what we think happiness is.  If we do not have a good idea about what it is, we cannot move toward it, and we will not recognize that we may already have it. We will have to include some things, and to exclude others.

Exercises:

Below are exercises that are focused on the theory of happiness. It may take a lot of time to understand what is right for you, incorporating what you learned from this blog and from your own experience. The theory may never be complete. It changes and evolves as do you, your personality, and your understanding.

Exercise 1:

Think about your emotional response to the state of happiness. How do you know when you are happy? What do you feel when you know you are happy?

·         elation

·         intensity

·         calm

·         serenity

·         smile

·         laugh

·         cry with tears of joy

·         satisfaction

·         pleasure

·         self esteem

·         peacefulness

·         other - list them for yourself

Ask yourself:

When you are happy, do you feel the emotion for a short time, or does it last for a long time?

If happiness means elation and pleasure, do you consider yourself no longer happy when these feelings subside?

What does it mean to you to be a happy person in a long term? What feeling or emotion do you need to have to know that your entire life if happy? 

When you wish to be happier, or for you loved ones to be happier, what do you have in mind?

Exercise 2: 

Decide what happiness has always meant to you. Make a list. You can use some of these:

·         Just being alive

·         Relationships

·         Good education

·         Children

·         Health

·         Being physically attractive, being beautiful

·         Financial status

·         Possessions

·         Doing what you love

·         Having great career

·         Peer approval and popularity

·         Good entertainment (computer games, movies, music, electronic media, etc.)

·         Country living

·         City living

·         Relaxing

·         Being busy

·         Taking care of others

·         Feeling the care of others

·         Just feeling good about life

·         Contentment

·         Add anything else

Do not try to include things that you think are appropriate or constitute the "right answer". This exercise is not for anybody's judgment, it is just for you, for your own understanding. So just pick whatever you always wanted in order to be happy.

Look at the above list carefully.  Ask yourself:

Are these things that ultimately make you happy or are they your goals in life? (our goals in life do not necessarily overlap with our happiness). 

Are they mostly important for your success or for your own well-being and happiness?

If you do not achieve them, will you still be able to be happy?  

If you do achieve them, are you pretty much guaranteed to have happiness ever after?

Do you already have some of the things on the list?

Do most of the things on your list depend on outside circumstances or your own attitude?
  
Does it seem unreasonable to you to feel happy for no particular reason?

How would you explain happiness to your children? What attitude do you want to instill in them?

Based on the above reflections (which may take a minute, a day or months), decide if you want to add or subtract something from your list above to clarify your concept of happiness.

And remember that the state of happiness originates, develops and exists inside of us, from our state of mind, from our attitude toward the world around us. It does not originate from outside. Things happen, or do not happen. We are the ones who react to them in different ways.

Now we can recognize our individual sources of happiness and our unique reactions to them. Therefore, we have a better sense of what our happiness is and a better control of it.

Why We Need To Add Happiness To School Curriculum

Art by ~2Happy

Young people graduate from school equipped to solve mathematical equations, arrange chemical experiments, and write essays. But often they graduate to the adult life not equipped with skills that will help them deal with everyday struggles, emotions, and difficulties. They are not equipped to be happy individuals.

Happiness is arguably the ultimate meaning of our life. Is there anything we want more for our kids than to be happy? If given a choice, would a parent prefer that her child knows capital cities of all countries or knows how to be a happy person? The ultimate purpose of the traditional academic education is to instill children with knowledge needed for for their future careers. But it does not teach kids the good attitude to deal with the many future personal experiences that make up our life. Inner well-being and peace are as crucial and necessary as the academic skills. It does not make sense to pay no attention to the development of happiness skills.

In 2011, United Kingdom published a report that confirms that lots of kids face serious emotional problems by the time they graduate school. Based on UK statistics, which probably does not differ too much from the situation in the USA, by the time an average class of 30 young people reach their 16th birthdays:

• 10 of them will have witnessed their parents separate
• 3 will have suffered from mental health problems
• 8 will have experienced severe physical violence, sexual abuse or neglect
• 3 will be living in a step family
• 1 will have experienced the death of a parent
• 7 will report having been bullied.

Relate (a leading provider of counseling, therapy, and education in UK)  cites research evidence which shows that emotional and mental health problems developed in childhood and adolescence go on to affect adults later in life. The resulting problems with poor emotional adjustment and general feelings of unhappiness are bad enough. But that is not all the consequences our kids are facing. Unhappiness and emotional imbalance can cause young people to do badly in exams or drop out of education altogether, with consequent damage to their long-term employment prospects and health. For more on the report, see http://www.relate.org.uk/about-us/media-centre/press-releases/2013/12/11/relate-calls-statutory-provision-counselling-schools.

I agree with Relate's specialist that schools are the best places to reach young people, and early intervention is effective. But I believe that the most effective solution is prevention. Adding the subject of happiness to school curriculum can help children better deal with their issues, and develop coping mechanisms for the future.

Usually, the kids get emotional guidance and character building from interacting with families and friends. As parents, we always try our hardest to raise good people: continuously pass our wisdom to our kids, indoctrinate our values to them, tell them what is good and what is bad, teach them manners, help them with the choice of profession and life partner (if they let us). But do we teach them how to be happy, joyful, grateful, peaceful? Do we live our lives with contentment and moderation, leading our children by example? Parents are people too, and not all of us are happy ourselves. Unfortunately, we do not always have the time, the vision or the skills to instill the basics of happiness into our children. So both the adults and the kids go about the pursuit of happiness by the trial and error method.

There are more and more politicians, organizations and individuals who believe that happiness skills can be learned and should be included in traditional educations. On his Facebook page, the Dalai Lama says that education is the proper way to promote compassion, piece of mind and tolerance in society, which bring a sense of confidence and reduce stress and anxiety (https://www.facebook.com/DalaiLama) . England requested that schools and colleges promote wellbeing to students (http://www.optimus-education.com/can-schools-promote-happiness). The US army uses classes developed by the "Authentic Happiness" program at the University of Pennsylvania to increase resilience levels of the troops (http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/newsletter.aspx?id=1552).

School is the place where our kids grow up, and where they are formed as individuals as much as they are at home. The school system has the infrastructure for influencing entire generations, letting out better adjusted and happier people. Unfortunately, schools spend most of their efforts on achieving high test results and good rankings. There is little emphasis on personal or emotional development. I believe happiness skills are among some of the most important skills a person possesses. To me it is obvious that the school system must help develop happiness skills as much as literacy skills in all children. I would like to see USA schools and schools all over the world to add happiness lessons to their curricula and deliver it to every kid. It will make for better adults and for better societies, and ultimately, for better world.

To see this happen, I plan to open an organization to raise public support, develop happiness curriculum and promote it to schools and departments of education in the US and possibly, worldwide. 

If you think this idea is important and worthwhile, and you would like to help, please contact me. I am looking for anyone who can contribute their skills, knowledge, and advice in the fields of not-for-profit organizations, school curricula, marketing, public relations, legal aspects and more!

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Agree to Disagree OR My Posting Schedule

MoMa Perpetual Calendar

I often disagree with mainstream trends and notions. I believe our society regularly goes off in directions that put us further away from the happiness everyone is looking for. 

One such trend is the amount of data surrounding us and the speed with which the next bit of information replaces the last one. There is so much news and so many fads, and we are rushing along with them, changing our commitments to diets, work-outs, fashion, extracurricular activities and our ideas. Sometimes we don’t even get to the ones we are interested in, because we already are on to the next thing. How can people develop strong convictions and/or opinions if they don’t spend at least some time with the ideas that form said convictions/opinions?

When we read a thick book, we can’t help but spend some time with it. And by the virtue of time spent thinking about it, the meaning settles in, spurring ideas of our own (assuming it is that kind of book :)). When we watch a screen version of the same thing, we spend only two hours with it, and it just can’t take root and affect us as much.

People nowadays don’t get the opportunity to spend some time with one idea, to mull it over, to explore it fully, and to understand our attitude toward it. If we spend some time, we may find that our initial reaction to some outside event or idea may evolve, deepen or even change altogether.

Of course, as with everything, moderation is key. While clearing the mind of all thoughts seems impossible and impractical for our lives, bringing too much stimulation and thoughts will result in them cancelling each other out and just cluttering our heads with chaos.

With that in mind, I will post to this blog once a week. I hope it will give everybody a chance to give each topic enough attention, to feel a personal reaction to it, and of course, to comment.