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| art by *SonSurfer |
We do not feel as happy as we could (hence the positive
psychology, self-help books, and this
blog).
Do you ever notice similar lacking in other positive emotional
areas?
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we are not as curious as we could be
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we are not as loving
-
we are not as kind
Why not?
It seems contradictory. Being
upset, annoyed, scared, frustrated, and angry takes a lot of mental energy. But
we still react on par with the cause (or easily overreact). Being content seems to be easier and better. However,
more often than not, we do not react as strongly when all is well and we are
being comfortable.
We emote negative feelings out of necessity, when something
bothers us. We can get anxious and miserable long before something negative has
happened and stay upset or depressed long after the irritant is gone. On the
other hand, when nothing troubles us, and we emote by choice rather than out of
perceived necessity, we often choose not too. And if we do, we hardly maintain
the same level of positive emotion for the entire time all is well. We often
let the nice things slide unacknowledged or even get somewhat bored when
nothing too exciting is happening. It
seems we are too lazy to focus on, appreciate and react to the good things around
us.
Besides, recently I heard a theory that experiencing
negative emotions comes naturally to us because negative emotions stimulated survival
actions in our ancestors. Fear helped them avoid danger; anger and aggression
helped them dominate over enemies; dissatisfaction spurred on discovery of fire
and tools. Negative emotions helped us stay alive. Positive emotions did not
figure in the survival mode of life. It is nice to feel loving, peaceful and
gracious, but it will not safe your life in the wild. * So it seems emoting
positive feelings needs to be learned and practiced.
The emotional laziness goes even further. Not only we tend
to under-react to the pleasant, we also tend to shift the responsibility for
our moods (positive and especially negative) to other people and circumstances
and away from ourselves. We do it automatically when we say something like: “They
annoying me” instead of “I am impatient with them ” or “Today is a bad day”
instead of “I lost my temper”. Similarly, our good mood largely depends on
something pleasant happening to us instead of it originating from inside (though
we already noticed that sometimes we are too sluggish to be positive even in good
circumstances). We let emotion happen to us instead of actively creating them.
Martin Seligman and Sonja Lyubomirsky believe that our
inborn personality
partially determines the range of happiness we can attain.
Our own thinking and will power determines where we are on this range. The
easiest is to stay where we are now; that does not require any further effort and
comes naturally. We can sink further down, or we can work and push our
happiness level to the top of our ability. But that requires mental effort,
discipline, repetition and lots of practice.
Even though a smile is better than a snarl, and emoting positive
feelings is certainly less physically and mentally exhausting than being
negative, changing our character and the way we react to the external factors is
a hard work. It requires too much effort, the results take too long, and in our
everyday bustle we just do not have the time for it… In other words, we are too
lazy to do it.
Happiness is our attitude.
Our reluctance to work on changing it is somewhat similar to our approaches
to changing our body (loosing weight, getting fit, practicing healthy lifestyle
and consciously avoiding harmful behaviors).
Similarly to the personalities we get born with, some get
born with beautiful bodies and do not have to do anything to stay in shape. But
for majority, it requires some effort. The ideal body shape may be limited by
our genes, but we still can do a lot with our bodies if we really want to.
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| Arnold Schwartzenegger |
Almost all of us tried to practice fitness at one point or
another. So we all know that to actually improve the body, we have to overcome
two major factors – our habits and our laziness. But recently, the society
offers great encouragement and support for healthy lifestyle. There is an
entire culture geared for promoting body fitness: age restriction for
alcohol consumption, anti-smoking campaigns, weight losing competitions, and calorie charts in fast food
menus. Unfortunately, the society does not focus on our mental fitness as much.
There is no age restriction on tantrum throwing, no ban on screaming at other
drivers from your car, no reality shows about losing bad attitude, no campaigns that just remind us how wonderful
everything is around us.
Despite all the support for body fitness and all the dire
health consequences we are facing if we neglect it, we are still reluctant to
make all the effort. It is easier to stay in and watch TV than go to gym and
sweat. And the body is a physical, tangible form. Any changes, though not fast
or simple, are much easier to see and feel than the changes of our invisible
and mysterious psyche. Nevertheless, if we want to be in a good emotional
shape, we have to work on it the same way we have to work on our physical
shape.
There is so little standing between us and our happiness!
There are no insurmountable obstacles and no overwhelming and undefeatable circumstances.
It’s only our habitual laziness.
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| art by worldpress |
Exercises:
1. Simply notice all the nice things in your life. Do not
take them for granted and let them go unacknowledged. Notice the way birds sing
while you are walking. Love the way the sun warms you up. Marvel at the
invention of toilets, cars and bread slicers. Notice that your spouse looks
nice today, say it out loud, and smile.
2. Work on being in a good mood. For every negative thought
and emotion, come up with five true positive responses to the surroundings.
E.g. my coworkers annoy me. But: I am alive, the sun is shining, my child told
me she loves me, etc.
3. Next level: realize that there is nothing completely
negative. For every negative thought come up with five good and truthful
thoughts about the same subject. For example, my coworker annoys me. But, she
has nice eyes, she is smart (or kind), without her I have to work twice as
much, she can handle tough clients, she makes awesome cookies, she is better
than someone else I know, etc.
4. Take responsibility for your emotions away from others.
Acknowledge that you are the only one responsible for your reactions and moods.
When you catch yourself thinking something like “he angers me”, correct
yourself into thinking “I am angry with him”, etc.
Once we do that, we can work on reacting more positively to
the outside world. It will not come naturally to those who are not used to
it. But if we are moral, self-reliant,
and hard-working, we can teach ourselves to be happy.
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| art by ~InspectorLupus |
* as discussed by Kim Stephenson, author of Taming the Pound”, http://www.tamingthepound.com/
