Mindfulness vs Distancing: The Right Perspective

"Man’s basic vice, the source of all his evils, is the act of unfocusing his mind, the suspension of his consciousness, which is not blindness, but the refusal to see, not ignorance, but the refusal to know."

 ~Ayn Rand, The Virtue of Selfishness

Life is beautiful. If you forget about the past and do not think about the future.

~Unknown

Did you know that mindfulness correlates to increasing levels of happiness? With help of brain imaging, neuroscientists demonstrated that it does (1).


Mindfulness: What Is It?

Mindfulness is conscious awareness of self and the surroundings in the present moment. It occurs when we pay complete attention to our current activity, to what we say, what we do, what we experience. Mindfulness is acknowledging our moment-to-moment thoughts and feelings, and accepting them non-judgmentally.

It may be easier to understand what mindfulness is, if we list what it is not:

• saying something without really meaning to;
  doing something automatically (such as snacking while watching TV and being somewhat unaware of how we have finished all the food); 
• spacing out; 
• having to ask the other person to repeat the last sentence because our mind was elsewhere; 
• focusing on the end result without enjoying the process (e.g. getting a college degree without enjoying the process of learning, or getting a room clean without concentrating on the mopping, etc.);

Mindfulness is a skill of focusing on whatever is happening right now (which is basically the only period we truly live in; not a moment ago and not a moment ahead. Our lives are happening in one moment only – the present moment). It is the skill of not doing or saying something automatically, but paying attention to it, considering and grasping it.

Getting Distracted

The opposite of mindfulness is getting distracted from what we are doing right now. We get distracted a lot.

Once in a while we have to switch gears urgently due to some valid and urgent reasons.

Often we get distracted purposefully. We call it multitasking, and it is a desired skill. We are always in such a hurry to get everything done that it seems sensible to try doing several things at the same time, like proofreading a report while eating lunch or texting while driving. The underlying belief is the more things we “juggle”, the more time we save and the more active and achieving we are. But in juggling, if we lose concentration, we drop a ball. And it is not always perceptible that when we decide to save time by doing several things at once, we end up not fully enjoying each action (e.g. having the aforementioned lunch without savoring it), ultimately being less efficient by underdoing (missing mistakes on the report), or overdoing  (eating more food while distracted) and even putting ourselves in danger (doing something while driving).

I read a comment by a disgruntled tech support representative who fumed about people calling in for assistance while multitasking, like feeding a baby, taking calls on the other line, etc. They lack the focus to understand basic instructions, like right click or left click, or terms like "upper right hand corner." Every step has to be repeated several times because these people are not paying attention. Ultimately, a four minute call stretches into 24 minutes, robbing both the representative and the caller of time.

So we get distracted by circumstances or by trying to multitask. But I believe that we get distracted

art credit: see note below

most without even noticing, purely because we do not focus on the task at hand. I catch myself at it, and I witness it daily as I watch my kids. They start the morning routine, the homework, the meals, or cleaning up, and instead of finishing, they get sidetracked by wondering off to play, snack, stare into the window or go check on what the other one is doing. And so every task takes probably three times as long as it should.

I tell them to be mindful, to focus on what they are doing, so that they will do it well and quickly, and then will be able to focus on the next activity. I try to impress on them that if they concentrate on the task at hand, they will understand it better and enjoy it more. I tell them that doing several things without really thinking about any of them will result in not fully experiencing any. I explain that by hurrying to do it all without concentrating, ultimately they will take much longer. I can see these are not easy concepts for them to grasp.

When I first heard about mindfulness myself, I did not really understand what is such a big deal about it. By definition, we all are living in the present (when else?), so what does it mean, “to be in the moment”? And if we are doing something, it obviously means we are doing it now, so why emphasize the need to focus on it?

I did not fully appreciate the concept of mindfulness when I first learned about it. But I started to notice that my thoughts often drift away when I do routine tasks like doing the dishes or driving, so much so that I sometimes find that I already made the left turn on a major intersection without remembering doing so. I guess I did it automatically without being mindful about it, without focusing on it. It is such a small and basically insignificant detail, that it was only mildly interesting to notice it. But I realized that the same thing happens all the time. I fail to notice the blooming flowers when I walk past them while I think about my to do list for later. I cannot remember where I put the phone or the keys because as I was putting them down, instead of focusing on that moment and that action, I was thinking of something else. I fail to focus on my life this very minute while my thoughts are somewhere else.

Doing one thing and thinking of another may feel like saving time, but in actuality, we lose time, and scarier yet, we lose our life, because we do not notice how it passes by while we daydream about happiness…

art credit: see note below

Occasionally, I try to take five minutes to meditate, which means to sit quietly, shut down all thoughts, and concentrate on something, for example, on the feelings of the body. It is not easy. I catch myself thinking about something absolutely irrelevant most of the time. It is a great exercise in mindfulness. I did not yet manage to sit a full minute without a single thought, just experiencing the present moment. But it gives me a very good idea about how I get distracted from the present, and it helps me notice when my mind starts drifting away and try to refocus it on what I am doing.

It took me some time to “get” mindfulness, and it will take some more to practice it and be truly mindful and present in every moment.

Present Time is Now

We often lose the present in favor of analyzing/reminiscing about the past or dreaming/fretting about the future. A Laya Yoga monk once told me that people busy their minds with thinking about the past, which is gone forever and cannot be changed and the future, which did not happen and is unknowable. The only experience we can feel, change, and live is the present.

Letting go of the past and not anticipating the future is the essence of mindfulness.

Benefits of Mindfulness

When we are mindful, each our decision is conscientious, which translates into us taking greater responsibilities for life choices and better control over our lives.

Psychotherapists are coming to embrace mindfulness as a method for re-training the mind to think and react to events in a different way. Practicing mindfulness helps us recognize our habitual patterns of mind, which allows us to respond in new rather than habitual ways to our life (2).

It is believed that practicing mindfulness makes the practitioner happier. Meditation is a great exercise for mindfulness. Research shows that meditation increases the activity of the left prefrontal cortex area of our brains, which is associated with feelings of happiness, joy and enthusiasm. Dr. Richard Davidson, director of the Laboratory for Affective Neuroscience at the University of Wisconsin believes that meditation can mold our brains to develop happier temperaments (3).

Mindfulness vs. Distancing: The Right Balance

by ~FuturamaJSP

Mindfulness is a focused awareness of the present moment. Like I discussed above, it is extremely beneficial for us to live mindfully. But even good things can be overdone and become harmful instead of useful. For example, fretting too much over every detail is a prescription for an anxiety

Distancing behavior means remaining cool and avoiding becoming involved.

disorder, not happiness. Looking at everything through a magnifying glass and noticing every imperfection (which can be found in anything and everything) is emotionally exhausting.
Appreciate life as a whole. Do not amplify (overemphasize) lousy parts of life. Realize that it may be just a bad day in overall good life.

Moderation is key for anything in our lives, and so we have to find the right balance between mindfulness and distancing, and use both of them wisely.


I will list some mindfulness exercises in my next posts.



References:

(1) The Mindful Attention Awareness Scale for Adolescents (MAAS-A): Psychometric Properties in a Dutch Sample by E. I. de Bruin, B. J. H. Zijlstra, E. van de Weijer-Bergsma, S. M. Bögels. http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs12671-011-0061-6

(2) "Mindfulness and Integrative Psychotherapy" at www.mindfulnessandpsychotherapy.co.uk

(3)“Scientists Meditate on Happiness, http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/news/2003/09/60452?currentPage=all




* art credit: I do not know who created these beautiful pictures. If you do, let me know and I will attribute it.

Does Happiness Require Settling?

Once I heard a parable about a poor man lying under a banana tree eating a banana. Another man comes up to him and asks,

- Where have you gotten the banana?  

- Plucked it from the tree. 

art by ~DicklessHunter

- Well, you could pick a few bananas and sell them.

- What for? 

- With that money you could hire someone to help you pick more bananas, and sell them, too.   

- What for? 

- In a month, you'd be able to hire 10-15 people picking bananas for you, selling them, and making a lot of money... 

- What for? 

- Well, then you would be able to lie under a tree, eat a banana, enjoy the life and do nothing! 

- But I already do!

Indeed, having a more easygoing attitude is a powerful shortcut to a happier life. It is liberating to realize that we do not need much to be happy. That being happy is being peaceful and content with life at all times and all junctures.

We go through life surrounded by infinite details and choices. Our mood and happiness depend on myriads of daily conscious and unconscious decisions about what we focus on and what we let go; which desires, possessions, events, and battles do or do not deserve our emotional investment.

So it may seem that since happiness does not really depend on external factors, we should not desire them. Why aspire for success or career when we can be happy without? Why bother creating a family, compromise and sacrifice our freedoms, when it will bring us as much aggravation as bliss, especially if ultimately we should not rely on anyone else to make us happy except ourselves? Why do anything when we can just work on cultivating peacefulness and contentment?

Even our values seem to be in the way of happiness. "Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?" This seemingly unassuming and seemingly obvious question hints at a univocal choice: fight to be right or settle and be happy.

It sounds that the way to happiness is to take whatever happens to us without challenging, giving up on our dreams, ambitions, beliefs and values.

In order to be happy, do we need to settle?

We will get trapped by this question, if we try to give a definitive “yes” or “no” answer:

art by ~conradyoung

Yes! We need to settle. If we are not as happy as we want to be, we need to change our attitude, we need to change ourselves. If we take everything to heart, if we let all the stuff that goes on rankle us, if presence of problems and absence of solutions anger or depress us, we will get nowhere near happy.

On the other hand, no! Our values, desires and ideas make us who we are. We should not sacrifice our integrity! Being happy may be much more important than being "right" in a petty argument. But what about major issues? Is being happy more important than fighting for our ideals, our ideas, our loved ones, our freedom, our rights, or our values?

Besides, even if we would rather be overall happy, would we be able to disengage from the things that are important to us? It may be rather easy to let go of non-essential things. But when the choice comes to deeply ingrained values, many tend to insist on being right.

So what's the solution? This is a tricky choice. As always, the truth is somewhere in the middle.

If we throw ourselves too much into either direction, we would be forgetting the other essential cornerstone of happiness - moderation. Without moderation every pleasure turns into suffering (see post Happiness vs. Pleasure), bravery turns into stupidity, loves turns into smothering, and the pursuit of happiness may turn into settling, indifference and apathy. It works the same way for the other extreme. If we do not let go of anything, take everything too close to heart, always fight to be right, we risk being miserable, emotionally wrecked and exhausted for the rest of our lives.

We need to sustain the right balance for absolutely everything we do, including contentment (see post on moderation).

It is important not to confuse contentment with complacency. Contentment does not mean inactivity. Being content does not mean settling and never wanting anything else because we are satisfied with the way things are. It means recognizing that even if we are not satisfied with what we presently have or what we presently are, it is sufficient to be grateful and joyful on the road to achieving our goals.

To get into this state of mind, we need to find the right proportion of not caring too much and not caring too little.

Taking a look at the life through the prism of our present understanding of happiness will put our goals in perspective. We may realize that some things we yearn for or fret about are not as overall important as we are used to think, whereas the meaningful things will remain meaningful.

The appraisal of what is meaningful is very personal. Some may want to impact the world, eliminate hunger, or invent flying cars. Others may want things that impact them personally, for example, see their kids graduate from college or quit smoking.

art by ~mole2k

So the compromise is to recognize which goals and ambitions are not essential for us and let them go, and which are important, and aspire toward them. But happiness is not an either/or proposition. It does not appear when we follow our dreams or when we settle for what we have. We should not put it on hold until we finally reach our goals. We should combine the desire to change something and the contentment with the present situation while we work on the change.

Surely, once we achieve our goals and turn the dreams into reality, we will be happy. But as often, our efforts may not come to fruition. The end results of our struggles may not be what we wished for. We should be ready for this outcome as well. Not getting something we want, even the noblest goal, should not disturb our mental state.

The happiness I discuss is the contentment with the process of life itself. The perspective, the balance of not completely giving ourselves over to some goal or idea, and not giving up on it entirely, either. It is being happy while working our way to it, and staying content and balanced whatever the result is.

So happiness is an intricate balance of being both content with what we have, but not settling or giving up on our dreams.

Look forward to your life. Know what your goals are and work to reach them. Just continue to be happy in the interim.

Make Room for Negative Emotions (Can't Live With Them, Can't Live Without Them)

art by ~lovelylittlesunshine

It is generally agreed upon and taught to everyone since we are little that we should develop the "good" feelings in us and work on minimizing the "bad" ones. Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative. We are so used to this that we go through life taking it for granted. We genuinely try to be "better" people, to overcome fear and pain and be braver, to overcome irritation and be non-judgmental, to disregard tiredness and occasional apathy and push on, never quit, to overcome feeling depressed or disappointed and to always think positively. Nonetheless, we still experience the "bad" emotions and feel guilty for it.

But I believe that negative emotions are a natural part of us, and in moderation, they are necessary.

However nice it is to be positive and think positive, we will not be able to exist without negative emotions, because they signal something is wrong, make us aware of the surroundings and thus, protect us. 

For example, fear is a form of our survival instinct. To have no healthy fear is not wise and can bring our demise. Pain lets us know when we are in a dangerous situation. People who have a very high pain threshold (for example, with severe Diabetes) can step on glass without noticing and end up with infected wounds, or have a heart attack without feeling the chest pain and not seek medical help. Tiredness signals we need to rest and replenish our energy so that we don't drop, and so on.

Negative emotions spur us on. When we do not like the present circumstances, it makes us work toward something better, something more acceptable, something more comfortable.  If we are not satisfied, it may help us become better and more successful. Oftentimes, growth and progress occur not in spite of unpleasant experiences but because of them.

Negative emotions are evidence of our sound mental health. We may dream about the perfect life, but in the real world the good and the bad mixed in together. And we have to react adequately. That means to accentuate the positive and to notice the negative, and adjust our behavior accordingly. 

The trick is to be balanced, to match the negative reaction to the scale of the adverse event. We should distinguish between real tragedies and nuisances in our lives. 

When we go through a life altering experience such as a divorce, onset of a serious disease, loss of loved ones, etc., it is normal to go through the stages of grieve[1] that include denial, anger, rage, envy, sadness, depression, regret, fear, detachment, and more.

If we get a traffic ticket or a bad grade in school, a lot of the above emotional responses would be an exaggeration that can throw us out of balance.

In his book How to Lose Control and Gain Emotional Freedom, Jerry D. Duvinsky, PhD writes that we are conditioned to think that emotions such as grief, anger, despair, helplessness, or loneliness are inherently bad, evil, dangerous, or wrong, so we feel the need to control them, suppress them, or disregard them. Granted, they are uncomfortable, powerful, and at times rather inconvenient. But our attempts to avoid them may produce deeper problems and lead to more suffering.

Negative emotions are intrinsic and indivisible part of us that helps us adjust, survive and improve ourselves. Instead of spending much effort to suppress them, we should recognize that unpleasant emotions are just symptoms of something else happening. Otherwise, we may give into them and behave in a destructive way. For example, quitting a job because of giving into feeling not appreciated by colleagues who did not invite you to an office party, or cheating on spouse because of giving into feeling angry with him for not putting the toilet seat up. 

Instead, we should accept that life is not supposed to be perfect or easy. We will waste a lot of our vital energy wishing to never get hurt, scared, or disappointed. Rather, we should be glad that we have the ability to distinguish the good from the bad in our lives. We should acknowledge full range of our emotions as our faithful messengers of our environment, without labeling them "bad" or otherwise, and learn to recognize and deal with their cause, instead of focusing on the emotion itself.  For example, it is not the pain that is our problem, but the nail we stepped on. We can suppress the pain by taking pills, but we would be much better off removing the nail. Instead of being overwhelmed by an emotion, we should resolve its cause.  So if we get a bad grade in school, we should not mope around and feel stupid, but study to get a better one on the next test.

Negative emotions are a necessary part of us. So if we try to ignore them and smile despite anything, then firstly, our life can be endangered, secondly, we cannot react to circumstances adequately and wisely, and thirdly, we can develop personality disorders. If we ever will reach the mental state when we think only positive thoughts and smile all the time, it is possible we've gone crazy. So make room for some negative emotions in your head. And as always, remember that everything is good in moderation.

---

[1] The Kübler-Ross model (a.k.a., "the five stages of grief"), which hypothesizes that when a person is faced with a life altering or a life threatening event, he/she will experience a series of emotional "stages": denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and, acceptance.

 

Exploring Happiness Pre-requisites: Money

art by ~Saphaer69

Money, undoubtedly, is a very powerful and desirable object in our society and for each of us individually. It shapes our lives. We choose careers because of it. We spend most of our precious waking hours working instead of doing something else that we may enjoy better because of it. Money grants unbelievable opportunities, inspires hideous crimes and spurs on amazing scientific and artistic achievements. Money is a huge engine of our world, whether we like it or not. And despite the saying about money not being able to buy happiness, the majority of us tie money closely to our levels of happiness.

Our consumerist culture nurtures the idea that money can buy us some happiness. Marketing campaigns ingrain the heavy suggestion that buying certain things makes us happy - a car, a shampoo, a bag of chips. They claim we "open happiness" when we open a bottle of not-too-healthy soft beverage, or that we will be touched by happiness when showering with certain body wash. Even if we do not take the ads seriously, using the commercial break time for other things, like grabbing a can of the said soft beverage, the notion is still there in our heads and even more so in the heads of our children. It distorts and devalues the true meaning of happiness. It also makes us confuse pleasures with real happiness (for more on that see post "Happiness vs. Pleasure" at http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7848938430226411031#editor/target=post;postID=8226060586603017057).

art by ~pandacub143

In defense of money, I believe that in some ways, it can buy happiness. More precisely, it can procure conditions that lead to happiness: it can give us a sense of financial security, of indulgence, of ability to help others, ability to be free to do what we choose and not toil at a job we do not enjoy. Money grants us opportunities to learn what makes us happy and the ability to do it.




But we do not need money to make ourselves happy, as long as we are content with what we have, even if we dream about something else, perhaps. We all heard recollections of our parents, older acquaintances, or historical figures about how they had two cents in their pockets and felt very much happy and alive.

So money can help us with our levels of happiness, but it does not guarantee it. For example, Prince Charming was quite wealthy but oh-so-unhappy in the beginning of the Cinderella fairytale. He was extremely unhappy, because he felt that nothing ever went his way, and on top of it, his parents were organizing a huge ball for all the maids of the kingdom, and they were forcing him into choosing a bride! That is just one fairy tale example about how lots of money does not guarantee happiness to its master. I am sure you can think of dozens more from the real life.

Moreover, similarly to having the ability to make us happy, or not affect our level of happiness, money has the ability to make us unhappy. Just think of  investing, managing money, fear of a mere potential of losing some because of our own mistakes or the market, the long hours and sleepless nights one may put into planning and worrying about competition, preserving capital, growing capital, etc. What a headache!

Money also has the ability to make us forget or disregard moderation and to grant us excessive permissiveness. And once there is no moderation, the many available bad habits turn into addictions and into broken lives. If not for lots of money, a lot of good people would not get into a lot of trouble.

art by ~Mephiles99

So the same powerful object - money - may make us happy, unhappy, or not relate to our happiness levels. That is because of the essence of happiness itself. Real happiness comes from inside, from our mind set, from whether we choose to feel happy without money, with money, because of having enough money, or despite of having it.

Happiness "How To": Adjust Your Expectations

Some posts on this blog are purely theoretical, discussing what happiness is. Some of them, including this one, are practical guides to becoming a happier person. 

Art by ~smitzphotography

A better car, a more expensive dress, a bigger house will not make you happy for long. Look at the people who have them. They still may be unhappy and want more. We get anxieties and ulcers wishing for more of this and that, wasting our time on worries or envy instead of enjoying what we have.

The less you need to feel good, the easier it is for you to feel happy.

Ask yourself – what can you live with less of?  Less material gain? Fewer cloths maybe? Fewer designer handbags? An older car? Consider non-material values as well. Can you live with less success? Less power?

Some of our dreams and ambitions are unreasonable and unnecessary. Of course, very ambitious and tenacious people who do not settle for less may achieve great success. That does not mean they are happy. They need to dedicate a lot of time and energy to their goals and endure a lot of stress and disappointments on the way. And none of it guarantees that they emerge happy once they finally achieve their great ambitions. 

You should not feel like a quitter if you are happy and content with less than what is possible. Because truly it is impossible to gain it all. Whatever we have, there will always be more out there – better, bigger, newer, more popular. 

Also, understand clearly that a lot of your goals will not lead to happiness. They will lead to other things. For example, if you would like to be rich, the goal may be to live comfortably, to be free, to help other people. If you would like to improve your appearance, the goal may be to be popular, or to look like your favorite celebrity. If you would like to be powerful, the goal may be to be able to change the system, or to manage others. But not to be happy. We do not need any of the above to be happy. 

Realize that you can be happy with less.

Adjust your expectations. Become content. Start enjoying having less.

Exercise

When you pass by storefront window displays, look at the nice things in there and ask yourself (and do not forget to ask your child) – can I live without it and still be happy? If you can (of course you can!), feel the lightness of not needing certain things to be a happy person. Feel that possessions have no power over your happiness. Feel that you have the power over your own happiness. 

When you watch a political debate or hear about celebrities, ask yourself – can I be happy if I am not a powerful politician or a famous celebrity? Can I be happy if I will never be rich? If you know you can, congratulate yourself!   

Start enjoying your life and hold on to this feeling of happiness with less.