We humans are open systems, continuously exchanging
feedback with the external environment. We look well defined and finite, but
our feelings, thoughts, words and actions reach far beyond the space our
physical bodies occupy. No man is an island. We impact everything around us
just by being. And in return we are influenced by it all. Therefore, while it
is good to be introspective and self-sufficient, we flourish in connecting to
the outside world and being a part of something bigger than we are.
By connecting I do not mean the polite small talk at
a meeting or a Facebook account. Connection that leads to the feelings of
happiness, wellbeing and, some researchers say, even health benefits is the
internal feeling of a strong bond with someone or something.
People are fulfilled in all kinds of connections.
One of the biggest bonds we feel is the connection to other people through love,
friendship, parenthood, volunteering, work, through sports, shared hobbies and
projects.
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| Art by Amanda Hall |
Rabbi Shoshana Boyd
Gelfand tells a story that showcases beautifully how people make the same
circumstances into hell or heaven solely by their attitude[1].
It also shows the importance and effects of connecting with other people.
As a reward for her benevolent
life, Ariella, a lamed-vavnik (one of the thirty-six people in the world who
are completely good) was taken to see Hell and Heaven. In Hell she saw a
magnificent palace with an opulent dining hall. The tables were filled with the
most delicious food: fragrant soups, creamy cheeses, fresh vegetables, juicy
fruits, and exquisite cakes. But the people in the room all looked thin, hungry
and unhappy. When Ariella looked carefully, she noticed why the people did not
eat the scrumptious food: they all had splints strapped to their arms so they
could not bend their elbows. They could pick up the food, but there is no way
of getting it into their mouths. She was sad that they sit amongst plenty but
starve.
Next, the lamed-vavnik went to
visit Heaven. She found herself in a beautiful palace once again. The dining
hall was also laden with all kinds of fragrant and delicious dishes. And the
people at the table all looked healthy and well fed. They were happy and
chatted with each other as they settled down to eat the wonderful meal laid out
before them. But to her surprise, Ariella noticed that everybody in Haven had
exactly the same splints on their arms as the people in Hell.
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| Art by Amanda Hall |
“Same palace, same meal, same
splints, same everything,” she murmured to herself. “The same challenges and
opportunities exist in Haven as in Hell. What is different?” And then Ariella
saw that although the people in Haven could not bend their arms to feed
themselves, they were stretching the arms to feed each other. And if food
dropped from someone’s fork, or missed a person’s mouth, they simply laughed
and tried again. The people had fun. No one was angry, and everyone was getting
enough to eat.
Ariella understood the difference
between Heaven and Hell. She returned home and told others about her visit and
the lessons she has learned. “Heaven and Hell are not just placed that you go
to after you die,” she would tell the children who sat at her feet. “They are
also part of how each of us looks at the world every day. And people who reach
out to others are already halfway to Heaven.”
Cultivating connection with others does not mean we
must be friends with heaps of people. Research shows that the well-being resulting from connecting comes not from the number of friends we have, but from our internal sense of bond toward others. So it is enough to have one friend. And we we feel deeply connected to someone on the inside, we are still benefiting from that feeling even if that person is not our friend[2].
Sarah Yoheved Rigler, a prominent Jewish speaker and
author, teaches that marriage is the opportunity for the deepest and the
biggest connection with another human being[3].
Unfortunately, we do not always use this opportunity. At times we feel hurt and
disconnected from our spouses and other family members. We get upset, frustrated
and annoyed with our life partners, children and parents. And so we tarnish the
deep connection with people closest to us by arguing with them, and mostly
about rather inconsequential things. That puts a major hamper on our happiness.
When it happens, Ms. Rigler suggests we
stop looking at the circumstances through “right or wrong” glasses, trying to
make everything right every time someone else is wrong. Instead she offers to
put on “connection or disconnection” glasses, when the most important is not to
prove that you are right at any cost, but to stay connected with the other
person. When we consciously choose connection as our ultimate goal, our
behavior changes. Ms. Rigler finds that spouses who choose to cultivate
connection have much happier marriages while still being able to solve any
disagreement in friendly and respectful ways.
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| Art by AthenA-gRace |
Another very powerful
feeling is the connection to a higher power, to God, to the creation, the connection to spiritual plane of our world. In Judaism, being connected to
HaShem (God) is the purpose of practicing the Torah Law and the true path to
happiness[4].
In the highest level of yoga called Samadhi, connection with all the creation
is the ultimate goal of the practitioner. Any spiritual practice cultivates
connection to something bigger than us by praying, meditating, believing. Many
people experience tremendous joy from these kinds of connections.
There are other important and very gratifying
connections in our lives: to nature, to animals, to expression through art and
music, or even to abstract ideas.
When we feel connection through loving someone, feeling
strong about an idea, or believing in the higher power we get charged with
energy and the motivation to do great things, as well as the satisfaction and
happiness.
As with everything else in life, we must exercise
moderation, a proper balance. Connecting with the wrong people or the wrong
ideas may be draining or even hurtful. We need to know who and what to reach
out to and what to distance ourselves from.
Feeling connected to something recharges our
batteries. It is also important to enjoy solitude and be content with your own
company. Maxwell Maltz, a Jewish-American doctor and author said "If you make friends with yourself you will never be alone." We
cannot be harmonious beings through connection only. We need self-reliance,
introspection and some quietness. Being alone can recharge our batteries as
much as the feeling of connectedness. Striking the balance that is right for
you promotes happiness.
Practice:
- Start by smiling. Smile to strengthen your existing bonds (with family and friends) and smile to create new ones. People are attracted to a smiling face.
- Connect with like-minded people. You may feel that you do not have anything in common with others to develop a bond. But rest assured: there are people like you out there. And probably they feel the same way.
- When in conflict with the closest family members, such as your spouse, your kids or your parents, ask yourself what is most important to you overall – to prove that you are clever and right or to stay connected and close. On the whole, do you want to be in the world of connection with them or in the world of estrangement? Once you decide you want to choose connection over estrangement, you may realize that disagreements can be solved without insults or bickering[5].
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| Art by m1kikey |
- Hugging is one of the easiest ways to connect, and a very effective one. And now it has been scientifically proven that hugging for 20 seconds releases oxytocin, a hormone that makes us feel happier. Strengthen your bonds with hugs, you will feel happier and more content with life![6]
- Connect through a shared project. Buddy up for activities such as exercise, going to museums, or whatever you can think of. Volunteer for your community organization. Enroll into sport teams or classes that interest you. Make the practicing of happiness skills a family project. When you share your goals, support and motivate each other, you develop a connection (and as a bonus, achieve your goals faster).
- Connect
with happy people. When we are close to content, happy people, we learn
from their attitude and may begin emulating their happiness.
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| art by kceb14 |
- If having a feeling of deep connection with other people is challenging for you, focus on other connections as discussed above.
- Explore a connection through spirituality by going to places of worship and/or going on nature walks. Connect with the uniqueness and the preciousness of the present moment through being in awe with the vastness of the Universe, the beauty of a starry sky, or the limitlessness of the horizon[7].
- Set time
aside just for you, for being with yourself. Enjoy the solitude. Connect
with the rich world inside of you. Meditate.
[2] Emma M. Seppala, PhD., http://www.psycologytoday.com/blog/feeling-it/201304/8-powerful-ways-turn-loneliness-deep-connection
[3]
Sarah Yoheved Rigler, http://www.sararigler.com
[4]
Rabbi David Aaron, Living a Joyous Life: The True Spirit of Jewish Practice
[5]
Kesher wife workshop by Sara Yoheved Rigler
[7] Association for Psychological Science.
"Being in awe can expand time and enhance well-being." ScienceDaily.
www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/07/120719161901.htm
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