Turning Dreams Into Reality - Positive Thinking Workshops for Kids

I am so excited and happy! Thanks in part to this blog, I was invited to do positive thinking workshops for kids at a local community "Y"!

The event is sponsored by PJ Library (http://pjlibrary.org/), an organization that provides free age-appropriate books with Jewish-themed values. 

So I decided to pick one book for every workshop, read and discuss it with the kids, and follow that up with a fun project related to our topic. I finish with a "homework", such as smile when you wake up tomorrow, or don't forget to thank mom for breakfast.

So far I did two workshops.

For the first workshop, I've read a book "Joseph Had a Little Overcoat". It is a great book on positive attitude. It is about a small village man called Joseph. He had a beautiful coat which got old and tattered, so he made a jacket out of it. As the jacket got older, he made it into a vest, then a scarf, a tie, then a handkerchief, and finally, a button. But finally even the button got old and eventually got lost. Could he make something else from nothing? Why yes, he wrote a story about it.

This particular story lends beautifully to discussions of positive attitude, such as:

- the power of smile and good mood (which Joseph carried throughout the book)

- the power of positive thoughts - instead of becoming sad, Joseph saw an opportunity

(also having an open mind, dealing positively with adversity, resilience)

- accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative

- optimism

- we do not need a lot of things to be happy

- satisfaction with what we have

- just like Joseph could come up with a story from these events, we can always get positive attitude and good mood from anything.

- personal hygiene - to be happy we need to be healthy, and keeping clean and neat is one way to do it.

- enthusiasm (not be lazy)

- take control of your life (do not wait for something to happen, make it happen as much as you can)

-resourcefulness (how to make "lemonade" from a "lemon")

- gratefulness - appreciate what you have

Of course, it would take hours to go into all of these, so I discussed Joseph's positive attitude, and how if something unpleasant happens (like when Joseph's clothes got old and torn), we can always think of something good in this situation and smile.

I had 4,5,6 and 8-year olds and everyone participated and shared what made them happy (which, predictably, included gifts, and unpredictably, gymnastics and soccer lessons).

The homework for the kids was to get up in the morning, smile and be in a good mood!

For the second workshop, I chose to discuss such an important concept as gratefulness. For that, I read a PJ Library book "The Apple Tree's Discovery".

Together with the kids, we have discussed all the things we can be thankful for. First on the list were gifts, new things, and conveniences, such as being able to take a car to school instead of the school bus. Slowly but surely we arrived to less tangible things, everyday things that we often take for granted, things we forget to be thankful for, even as grown ups, such as the sun, the nature, our talents (for example the ability to draw beautifully or excel at sports), and of course our family, friends, and even the fact that we are alive!

We've also discussed that even if we get something we do not like, e.g. Mom gives us veggies for

lunch instead of pizza :), we still have to remember to be grateful to Mom for the effort.

I tried to make a distinction between a mere politeness in saying thank you automatically and actually noticing all the good things and feeling sincere gratefulness for them.

We followed the lively discussion with a drawing session accompanied by the song "Grateful" by John Bucchino. The kids drew what made them feel grateful. The pictures ranged from a toy to the child's family to summer!

The homework - to remember to thank Mom for the breakfast tomorrow.

I hope the children will be a little more mindful of positive attitude and gratefulness now, the seeds that will flourish into happiness when they become teens and adults.

Mindfulness vs Distancing: The Right Perspective

"Man’s basic vice, the source of all his evils, is the act of unfocusing his mind, the suspension of his consciousness, which is not blindness, but the refusal to see, not ignorance, but the refusal to know."

 ~Ayn Rand, The Virtue of Selfishness

Life is beautiful. If you forget about the past and do not think about the future.

~Unknown

Did you know that mindfulness correlates to increasing levels of happiness? With help of brain imaging, neuroscientists demonstrated that it does (1).


Mindfulness: What Is It?

Mindfulness is conscious awareness of self and the surroundings in the present moment. It occurs when we pay complete attention to our current activity, to what we say, what we do, what we experience. Mindfulness is acknowledging our moment-to-moment thoughts and feelings, and accepting them non-judgmentally.

It may be easier to understand what mindfulness is, if we list what it is not:

• saying something without really meaning to;
  doing something automatically (such as snacking while watching TV and being somewhat unaware of how we have finished all the food); 
• spacing out; 
• having to ask the other person to repeat the last sentence because our mind was elsewhere; 
• focusing on the end result without enjoying the process (e.g. getting a college degree without enjoying the process of learning, or getting a room clean without concentrating on the mopping, etc.);

Mindfulness is a skill of focusing on whatever is happening right now (which is basically the only period we truly live in; not a moment ago and not a moment ahead. Our lives are happening in one moment only – the present moment). It is the skill of not doing or saying something automatically, but paying attention to it, considering and grasping it.

Getting Distracted

The opposite of mindfulness is getting distracted from what we are doing right now. We get distracted a lot.

Once in a while we have to switch gears urgently due to some valid and urgent reasons.

Often we get distracted purposefully. We call it multitasking, and it is a desired skill. We are always in such a hurry to get everything done that it seems sensible to try doing several things at the same time, like proofreading a report while eating lunch or texting while driving. The underlying belief is the more things we “juggle”, the more time we save and the more active and achieving we are. But in juggling, if we lose concentration, we drop a ball. And it is not always perceptible that when we decide to save time by doing several things at once, we end up not fully enjoying each action (e.g. having the aforementioned lunch without savoring it), ultimately being less efficient by underdoing (missing mistakes on the report), or overdoing  (eating more food while distracted) and even putting ourselves in danger (doing something while driving).

I read a comment by a disgruntled tech support representative who fumed about people calling in for assistance while multitasking, like feeding a baby, taking calls on the other line, etc. They lack the focus to understand basic instructions, like right click or left click, or terms like "upper right hand corner." Every step has to be repeated several times because these people are not paying attention. Ultimately, a four minute call stretches into 24 minutes, robbing both the representative and the caller of time.

So we get distracted by circumstances or by trying to multitask. But I believe that we get distracted

art credit: see note below

most without even noticing, purely because we do not focus on the task at hand. I catch myself at it, and I witness it daily as I watch my kids. They start the morning routine, the homework, the meals, or cleaning up, and instead of finishing, they get sidetracked by wondering off to play, snack, stare into the window or go check on what the other one is doing. And so every task takes probably three times as long as it should.

I tell them to be mindful, to focus on what they are doing, so that they will do it well and quickly, and then will be able to focus on the next activity. I try to impress on them that if they concentrate on the task at hand, they will understand it better and enjoy it more. I tell them that doing several things without really thinking about any of them will result in not fully experiencing any. I explain that by hurrying to do it all without concentrating, ultimately they will take much longer. I can see these are not easy concepts for them to grasp.

When I first heard about mindfulness myself, I did not really understand what is such a big deal about it. By definition, we all are living in the present (when else?), so what does it mean, “to be in the moment”? And if we are doing something, it obviously means we are doing it now, so why emphasize the need to focus on it?

I did not fully appreciate the concept of mindfulness when I first learned about it. But I started to notice that my thoughts often drift away when I do routine tasks like doing the dishes or driving, so much so that I sometimes find that I already made the left turn on a major intersection without remembering doing so. I guess I did it automatically without being mindful about it, without focusing on it. It is such a small and basically insignificant detail, that it was only mildly interesting to notice it. But I realized that the same thing happens all the time. I fail to notice the blooming flowers when I walk past them while I think about my to do list for later. I cannot remember where I put the phone or the keys because as I was putting them down, instead of focusing on that moment and that action, I was thinking of something else. I fail to focus on my life this very minute while my thoughts are somewhere else.

Doing one thing and thinking of another may feel like saving time, but in actuality, we lose time, and scarier yet, we lose our life, because we do not notice how it passes by while we daydream about happiness…

art credit: see note below

Occasionally, I try to take five minutes to meditate, which means to sit quietly, shut down all thoughts, and concentrate on something, for example, on the feelings of the body. It is not easy. I catch myself thinking about something absolutely irrelevant most of the time. It is a great exercise in mindfulness. I did not yet manage to sit a full minute without a single thought, just experiencing the present moment. But it gives me a very good idea about how I get distracted from the present, and it helps me notice when my mind starts drifting away and try to refocus it on what I am doing.

It took me some time to “get” mindfulness, and it will take some more to practice it and be truly mindful and present in every moment.

Present Time is Now

We often lose the present in favor of analyzing/reminiscing about the past or dreaming/fretting about the future. A Laya Yoga monk once told me that people busy their minds with thinking about the past, which is gone forever and cannot be changed and the future, which did not happen and is unknowable. The only experience we can feel, change, and live is the present.

Letting go of the past and not anticipating the future is the essence of mindfulness.

Benefits of Mindfulness

When we are mindful, each our decision is conscientious, which translates into us taking greater responsibilities for life choices and better control over our lives.

Psychotherapists are coming to embrace mindfulness as a method for re-training the mind to think and react to events in a different way. Practicing mindfulness helps us recognize our habitual patterns of mind, which allows us to respond in new rather than habitual ways to our life (2).

It is believed that practicing mindfulness makes the practitioner happier. Meditation is a great exercise for mindfulness. Research shows that meditation increases the activity of the left prefrontal cortex area of our brains, which is associated with feelings of happiness, joy and enthusiasm. Dr. Richard Davidson, director of the Laboratory for Affective Neuroscience at the University of Wisconsin believes that meditation can mold our brains to develop happier temperaments (3).

Mindfulness vs. Distancing: The Right Balance

by ~FuturamaJSP

Mindfulness is a focused awareness of the present moment. Like I discussed above, it is extremely beneficial for us to live mindfully. But even good things can be overdone and become harmful instead of useful. For example, fretting too much over every detail is a prescription for an anxiety

Distancing behavior means remaining cool and avoiding becoming involved.

disorder, not happiness. Looking at everything through a magnifying glass and noticing every imperfection (which can be found in anything and everything) is emotionally exhausting.
Appreciate life as a whole. Do not amplify (overemphasize) lousy parts of life. Realize that it may be just a bad day in overall good life.

Moderation is key for anything in our lives, and so we have to find the right balance between mindfulness and distancing, and use both of them wisely.


I will list some mindfulness exercises in my next posts.



References:

(1) The Mindful Attention Awareness Scale for Adolescents (MAAS-A): Psychometric Properties in a Dutch Sample by E. I. de Bruin, B. J. H. Zijlstra, E. van de Weijer-Bergsma, S. M. Bögels. http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs12671-011-0061-6

(2) "Mindfulness and Integrative Psychotherapy" at www.mindfulnessandpsychotherapy.co.uk

(3)“Scientists Meditate on Happiness, http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/news/2003/09/60452?currentPage=all




* art credit: I do not know who created these beautiful pictures. If you do, let me know and I will attribute it.

Too Lazy to Feel Amazing

art by *SonSurfer

We do not feel as happy as we could (hence the positive psychology, self-help books, and this blog).

Do you ever notice similar lacking in other positive emotional areas?

-       we are not as curious as we could be

-       we are not as loving

-       we are not as kind

Why not?

It seems contradictory. Being upset, annoyed, scared, frustrated, and angry takes a lot of mental energy. But we still react on par with the cause (or easily overreact). Being content seems to be easier and better. However, more often than not, we do not react as strongly when all is well and we are being comfortable.

We emote negative feelings out of necessity, when something bothers us. We can get anxious and miserable long before something negative has happened and stay upset or depressed long after the irritant is gone. On the other hand, when nothing troubles us, and we emote by choice rather than out of perceived necessity, we often choose not too. And if we do, we hardly maintain the same level of positive emotion for the entire time all is well. We often let the nice things slide unacknowledged or even get somewhat bored when nothing too exciting is happening.  It seems we are too lazy to focus on, appreciate and react to the good things around us.

Besides, recently I heard a theory that experiencing negative emotions comes naturally to us because negative emotions stimulated survival actions in our ancestors. Fear helped them avoid danger; anger and aggression helped them dominate over enemies; dissatisfaction spurred on discovery of fire and tools. Negative emotions helped us stay alive. Positive emotions did not figure in the survival mode of life. It is nice to feel loving, peaceful and gracious, but it will not safe your life in the wild. * So it seems emoting positive feelings needs to be learned and practiced.

The emotional laziness goes even further. Not only we tend to under-react to the pleasant, we also tend to shift the responsibility for our moods (positive and especially negative) to other people and circumstances and away from ourselves. We do it automatically when we say something like: “They annoying me” instead of “I am impatient with them ” or “Today is a bad day” instead of “I lost my temper”. Similarly, our good mood largely depends on something pleasant happening to us instead of it originating from inside (though we already noticed that sometimes we are too sluggish to be positive even in good circumstances). We let emotion happen to us instead of actively creating them.

Martin Seligman and Sonja Lyubomirsky believe that our inborn personality

partially determines the range of happiness we can attain. Our own thinking and will power determines where we are on this range. The easiest is to stay where we are now; that does not require any further effort and comes naturally. We can sink further down, or we can work and push our happiness level to the top of our ability. But that requires mental effort, discipline, repetition and lots of practice.

Even though a smile is better than a snarl, and emoting positive feelings is certainly less physically and mentally exhausting than being negative, changing our character and the way we react to the external factors is a hard work. It requires too much effort, the results take too long, and in our everyday bustle we just do not have the time for it… In other words, we are too lazy to do it.

Happiness is our attitude.  Our reluctance to work on changing it is somewhat similar to our approaches to changing our body (loosing weight, getting fit, practicing healthy lifestyle and consciously avoiding harmful behaviors).

Similarly to the personalities we get born with, some get born with beautiful bodies and do not have to do anything to stay in shape. But for majority, it requires some effort. The ideal body shape may be limited by our genes, but we still can do a lot with our bodies if we really want to.

Arnold Schwartzenegger

We all know someone who was puny and became muscled, or was overweight and became slender. We also know that to loose weight or quit smoking is only half of the success. The most difficult part is to keep it this way. Even after quick diets or plastic surgeries, people need to change their lifestyles to keep the same shape. Transforming the body (and the soul) is hard work, but it is most certainly possible. 

Almost all of us tried to practice fitness at one point or another. So we all know that to actually improve the body, we have to overcome two major factors – our habits and our laziness. But recently, the society offers great encouragement and support for healthy lifestyle. There is an entire culture geared for promoting body fitness: age restriction for alcohol consumption, anti-smoking campaigns, weight losing competitions, and calorie charts in fast food menus. Unfortunately, the society does not focus on our mental fitness as much. There is no age restriction on tantrum throwing, no ban on screaming at other drivers from your car, no reality shows about losing bad attitude, no campaigns that just remind us how wonderful everything is around us.

Despite all the support for body fitness and all the dire health consequences we are facing if we neglect it, we are still reluctant to make all the effort. It is easier to stay in and watch TV than go to gym and sweat. And the body is a physical, tangible form. Any changes, though not fast or simple, are much easier to see and feel than the changes of our invisible and mysterious psyche. Nevertheless, if we want to be in a good emotional shape, we have to work on it the same way we have to work on our physical shape.

There is so little standing between us and our happiness! There are no insurmountable obstacles and no overwhelming and undefeatable circumstances. It’s only our habitual laziness.

art by worldpress

Exercises:

1. Simply notice all the nice things in your life. Do not take them for granted and let them go unacknowledged. Notice the way birds sing while you are walking. Love the way the sun warms you up. Marvel at the invention of toilets, cars and bread slicers. Notice that your spouse looks nice today, say it out loud, and smile.

2. Work on being in a good mood. For every negative thought and emotion, come up with five true positive responses to the surroundings. E.g. my coworkers annoy me. But: I am alive, the sun is shining, my child told me she loves me, etc.

3. Next level: realize that there is nothing completely negative. For every negative thought come up with five good and truthful thoughts about the same subject. For example, my coworker annoys me. But, she has nice eyes, she is smart (or kind), without her I have to work twice as much, she can handle tough clients, she makes awesome cookies, she is better than someone else I know, etc.

4. Take responsibility for your emotions away from others. Acknowledge that you are the only one responsible for your reactions and moods. When you catch yourself thinking something like “he angers me”, correct yourself into thinking “I am angry with him”, etc.

Once we do that, we can work on reacting more positively to the outside world. It will not come naturally to those who are not used to it.  But if we are moral, self-reliant, and hard-working, we can teach ourselves to be happy.

art by ~InspectorLupus

* as discussed by Kim Stephenson, author of Taming the Pound”, http://www.tamingthepound.com/

Happiness Paradoxes

art by ~ManoWar100, manipulated by olgarythm

Happiness is one of the most basic concepts that we know from childhood. But it is in no way simple or straightforward. It is intricate and deeply individual, it depends among other things on personality, upbringing, habits, psychological and neurological processes, and who knows what else!
I also find that it is rather prone to contradictions. Here are some happiness qualities that appear contradictory:
 

1. Autosuggestion

In the recent years, the happiness field is getting increasingly researched, offering more scientifically-supported findings. Happiness theories describe general rules and behavior trends. Curiously, however, it seems that individual happiness is consistent not with the  objective findings, but with our personal subjective believes. Whatever we deeply believe in, works. If you sincerely believe that selfishness is the key to happiness, it will work for you. If you are sure that selflessness brings happiness to you, then it will. If you know that faith and prayer will make you happy, then they will. If you feel that children make you happy, then they most probably will. So even though there are happiness theories, everyone becomes happy in their own way.

2. Agreeing Is Not Necessary

It does not matter if you agree or disagree with the contents of this post or any other materials on the happiness subject. It is still beneficial to read it all, because contemplating different ideas helps understand your own attitude better, whether you agree or not. It helps you crystalize who you are, become more self-aware and eventually, happier.

3. Intensely Seeking Happiness Precludes It

Happiness is basically the state of being in a good mood. For some people, thinking about their happiness levels only brings them down and sours their mood. Sometimes bringing the happiness issue too much from the unconscious reactions to consciousness actually diminishes the desired happiness level. I think it happens because we stress ourselves too much over not being as happy as we want, and that makes us even less happy with ourselves.

For others, however, thinking about happiness and formulating what it means opens their eyes to it and helps them focus on the right priorities in life.

4. The More We Use It, the More We Loose It

"Love is..." cartoon

Too often we encounter banal phrases and corny images of happiness, goodness, kindness, love, etc. They dilute the true meaning of these important concepts. Gradually, we become cynical about love, kindness and happiness, seeking some vulgar meanings and ulterior motives in them or disregarding them as cliches.

Though we contaminate some important concepts by using the same words to express both superficial, fake feelings and true deep emotions, we need to dig deeper, distinguish between them, and not let the corny ones cheapen or obliterate the true ones.

5. Pure Contradictions

It seems that happiness requires us to embrace and unite contradictions. For example, the notion that we are born predisposed to a certain level of happiness but may change it anyway. To be happier, we are supposed to be mindful but not pay too much attention to details; to feel contentment but want something else and have worthy goals in life; to have relationships with others but be self-sufficient; to pursue happiness but not think about it (see item 3 above).

There is no clear solution to how to have both. I guess, it is something that each of us has to practice.

6. Negativity Is Easier Than Positivity

Due to emotional laziness, for some of us it is easier to stay upset when we consider our circumstances bad, than to stay happy when we consider the circumstances good.  To me, it is the ultimate paradox, but I see too often how people readily get angry or upset at the slightest trigger, but ignore nice things altogether. 

7. Outside-in Versus Inside-out

A lot of things make us happy:  a sunny day, winning the lottery, someone being nice, well-behaved children, loving spouses, comfortable living, achieving goals, etc. The paradox is that to become truly happy, we have to somewhat disregard whatever happens to us (and influences our mood) and focus of the internal state of happiness. We should practice the capability to be happy without any triggers or, at the highest level of mastery, even despite negative events.

Here is another contradiction to ponder: possibly, by writing this post I got to understand happiness a little better and also became more confused…

Which Happiness Theory is the Right One?

When I became interested in the philosophy behind happiness, I went to a bookstore and looked at the self-help section. Although happiness did not take as many shelves as some other subjects, there were still many books about it. I was challenged by the available choices. Which one contains the key to the secret of the happy life? Which one will set me off on the right path to happiness?

On top of all this available material, I have this insistent desire to express my own thoughts on the subject, to write my own blog (and eventually a book) about happiness.

So I had to consider some valid questions. First: why should I write about happiness, if it was already covered by others? Second, what makes me knowledgeable enough to impart my opinions and solutions on others? Third (and I think the most important for anyone who just wants to be happy), which happiness theory is the right one and which are wrong, which should be studied and practiced and which can be disregarded?

There are many happiness theories: the hedonism theory, the desire theory, the objective list theory. Many people vouch to have obtained happiness through faith and/or religion, or through selflessness and dedication to a worthy cause, or through meditation and enlightenment, or through parenthood, or through helping others, or through close relationships. Some believe happiness can only be found when one belongs to a community, others insist happiness is strictly individual. Some theories propose specific steps to achieve happiness. Others insist that looking for happiness prevents us from getting it altogether.  Some say happiness is a skill to be learned and practice, others insist it is something with are born with and cannot change, still others believe it is the mix of both. All in all, the opinions are rather contradictory. Most astonishingly, there are many people who attest to the veracity of each one of them.

But I believe this wide diversity, even if somewhat frustrating in not offering one clear answer, makes sense. There are so many people, and we all are so very different and unique. People come from different societies with different cultures, traditions and beliefs. We come from different families and backgrounds with different parents and upbringing. We worship different gods. Individually, we have different natures, characteristics, habits, temperaments and dispositions. We consider happiness differently; it means something particular and unalike to each one of us. We have different worldviews.

Because of such variety in experiences and beliefs and cultural trends, philosophers put forth different theories that reflect these diverse worldviews. Happiness is not an exact science. It depends on personal experience and perception. Since we perceive all information through the lens of our worldview, we tend to like theories that are more agreeable with our own opinions and beliefs. For all the diversity of happiness theories, each one of them is confirmed by lots of supporting information. And there are people who resonate with each theory, making all of them valid for those people. It is the happiness paradox, what more, it is the paradox of life. Whatever somebody thinks up will work for someone, and therefore, will be their truth.

Even the common sense may not work for all. Common sense boils down to repetitive experience gained within similar conditions. But if the conditions change, the common sense ceases being that “common”. And boy, how rapidly the conditions change in the modern village of the world!

Any specialist, even the most experienced and respectable one, possesses only relative competency, limited by their own experiences and worldview. There is no truth here, only points of view. Therefore neither I, nor any of us can provide the “one size fits all” theory, methodology or set of rules on how to become happier. Our opinions on the truth are subjective. Whatever is good for one is bad for another. Different things will work for different people. One man’s meat is another man’s poison.

All of us seeking answers, trying to improve ourselves or helping others should operate from this knowledge. We should not feel obligated to do everything offered or feel inadequate if something does not work for us or just seems wrong.

I think this idea is beautifully illustrated by HSBC marketing campaign. It provides contrasting descriptions for similar images, demonstrating the understanding that the same phenomena perceived differently by different people, and thus, have to be dealt with in different fashions.

So because we are so unique, there cannot be the one recipe for happiness. But if there was, it would work just like a cooking recipe. Even with exactly the same ingredients and instructions, different cooks bake slightly different pies. Even baked by the same cook over and over again, each batch will be slightly different. Similarly, everyone learns how to write. But each of us ends up with unique writing style and a different penmanship.

There cannot be a universal instruction on how to be happier that will fit everyone or work without fail. Whichever theory is working is the right one. Specifically for the people it is working for. To each his own truth. To each his own happiness. To each his own valid theory.