Too Lazy to Feel Amazing

art by *SonSurfer

We do not feel as happy as we could (hence the positive psychology, self-help books, and this blog).

Do you ever notice similar lacking in other positive emotional areas?

-       we are not as curious as we could be

-       we are not as loving

-       we are not as kind

Why not?

It seems contradictory. Being upset, annoyed, scared, frustrated, and angry takes a lot of mental energy. But we still react on par with the cause (or easily overreact). Being content seems to be easier and better. However, more often than not, we do not react as strongly when all is well and we are being comfortable.

We emote negative feelings out of necessity, when something bothers us. We can get anxious and miserable long before something negative has happened and stay upset or depressed long after the irritant is gone. On the other hand, when nothing troubles us, and we emote by choice rather than out of perceived necessity, we often choose not too. And if we do, we hardly maintain the same level of positive emotion for the entire time all is well. We often let the nice things slide unacknowledged or even get somewhat bored when nothing too exciting is happening.  It seems we are too lazy to focus on, appreciate and react to the good things around us.

Besides, recently I heard a theory that experiencing negative emotions comes naturally to us because negative emotions stimulated survival actions in our ancestors. Fear helped them avoid danger; anger and aggression helped them dominate over enemies; dissatisfaction spurred on discovery of fire and tools. Negative emotions helped us stay alive. Positive emotions did not figure in the survival mode of life. It is nice to feel loving, peaceful and gracious, but it will not safe your life in the wild. * So it seems emoting positive feelings needs to be learned and practiced.

The emotional laziness goes even further. Not only we tend to under-react to the pleasant, we also tend to shift the responsibility for our moods (positive and especially negative) to other people and circumstances and away from ourselves. We do it automatically when we say something like: “They annoying me” instead of “I am impatient with them ” or “Today is a bad day” instead of “I lost my temper”. Similarly, our good mood largely depends on something pleasant happening to us instead of it originating from inside (though we already noticed that sometimes we are too sluggish to be positive even in good circumstances). We let emotion happen to us instead of actively creating them.

Martin Seligman and Sonja Lyubomirsky believe that our inborn personality

partially determines the range of happiness we can attain. Our own thinking and will power determines where we are on this range. The easiest is to stay where we are now; that does not require any further effort and comes naturally. We can sink further down, or we can work and push our happiness level to the top of our ability. But that requires mental effort, discipline, repetition and lots of practice.

Even though a smile is better than a snarl, and emoting positive feelings is certainly less physically and mentally exhausting than being negative, changing our character and the way we react to the external factors is a hard work. It requires too much effort, the results take too long, and in our everyday bustle we just do not have the time for it… In other words, we are too lazy to do it.

Happiness is our attitude.  Our reluctance to work on changing it is somewhat similar to our approaches to changing our body (loosing weight, getting fit, practicing healthy lifestyle and consciously avoiding harmful behaviors).

Similarly to the personalities we get born with, some get born with beautiful bodies and do not have to do anything to stay in shape. But for majority, it requires some effort. The ideal body shape may be limited by our genes, but we still can do a lot with our bodies if we really want to.

Arnold Schwartzenegger

We all know someone who was puny and became muscled, or was overweight and became slender. We also know that to loose weight or quit smoking is only half of the success. The most difficult part is to keep it this way. Even after quick diets or plastic surgeries, people need to change their lifestyles to keep the same shape. Transforming the body (and the soul) is hard work, but it is most certainly possible. 

Almost all of us tried to practice fitness at one point or another. So we all know that to actually improve the body, we have to overcome two major factors – our habits and our laziness. But recently, the society offers great encouragement and support for healthy lifestyle. There is an entire culture geared for promoting body fitness: age restriction for alcohol consumption, anti-smoking campaigns, weight losing competitions, and calorie charts in fast food menus. Unfortunately, the society does not focus on our mental fitness as much. There is no age restriction on tantrum throwing, no ban on screaming at other drivers from your car, no reality shows about losing bad attitude, no campaigns that just remind us how wonderful everything is around us.

Despite all the support for body fitness and all the dire health consequences we are facing if we neglect it, we are still reluctant to make all the effort. It is easier to stay in and watch TV than go to gym and sweat. And the body is a physical, tangible form. Any changes, though not fast or simple, are much easier to see and feel than the changes of our invisible and mysterious psyche. Nevertheless, if we want to be in a good emotional shape, we have to work on it the same way we have to work on our physical shape.

There is so little standing between us and our happiness! There are no insurmountable obstacles and no overwhelming and undefeatable circumstances. It’s only our habitual laziness.

art by worldpress

Exercises:

1. Simply notice all the nice things in your life. Do not take them for granted and let them go unacknowledged. Notice the way birds sing while you are walking. Love the way the sun warms you up. Marvel at the invention of toilets, cars and bread slicers. Notice that your spouse looks nice today, say it out loud, and smile.

2. Work on being in a good mood. For every negative thought and emotion, come up with five true positive responses to the surroundings. E.g. my coworkers annoy me. But: I am alive, the sun is shining, my child told me she loves me, etc.

3. Next level: realize that there is nothing completely negative. For every negative thought come up with five good and truthful thoughts about the same subject. For example, my coworker annoys me. But, she has nice eyes, she is smart (or kind), without her I have to work twice as much, she can handle tough clients, she makes awesome cookies, she is better than someone else I know, etc.

4. Take responsibility for your emotions away from others. Acknowledge that you are the only one responsible for your reactions and moods. When you catch yourself thinking something like “he angers me”, correct yourself into thinking “I am angry with him”, etc.

Once we do that, we can work on reacting more positively to the outside world. It will not come naturally to those who are not used to it.  But if we are moral, self-reliant, and hard-working, we can teach ourselves to be happy.

art by ~InspectorLupus

* as discussed by Kim Stephenson, author of Taming the Pound”, http://www.tamingthepound.com/

Happiness Paradoxes

art by ~ManoWar100, manipulated by olgarythm

Happiness is one of the most basic concepts that we know from childhood. But it is in no way simple or straightforward. It is intricate and deeply individual, it depends among other things on personality, upbringing, habits, psychological and neurological processes, and who knows what else!
I also find that it is rather prone to contradictions. Here are some happiness qualities that appear contradictory:
 

1. Autosuggestion

In the recent years, the happiness field is getting increasingly researched, offering more scientifically-supported findings. Happiness theories describe general rules and behavior trends. Curiously, however, it seems that individual happiness is consistent not with the  objective findings, but with our personal subjective believes. Whatever we deeply believe in, works. If you sincerely believe that selfishness is the key to happiness, it will work for you. If you are sure that selflessness brings happiness to you, then it will. If you know that faith and prayer will make you happy, then they will. If you feel that children make you happy, then they most probably will. So even though there are happiness theories, everyone becomes happy in their own way.

2. Agreeing Is Not Necessary

It does not matter if you agree or disagree with the contents of this post or any other materials on the happiness subject. It is still beneficial to read it all, because contemplating different ideas helps understand your own attitude better, whether you agree or not. It helps you crystalize who you are, become more self-aware and eventually, happier.

3. Intensely Seeking Happiness Precludes It

Happiness is basically the state of being in a good mood. For some people, thinking about their happiness levels only brings them down and sours their mood. Sometimes bringing the happiness issue too much from the unconscious reactions to consciousness actually diminishes the desired happiness level. I think it happens because we stress ourselves too much over not being as happy as we want, and that makes us even less happy with ourselves.

For others, however, thinking about happiness and formulating what it means opens their eyes to it and helps them focus on the right priorities in life.

4. The More We Use It, the More We Loose It

"Love is..." cartoon

Too often we encounter banal phrases and corny images of happiness, goodness, kindness, love, etc. They dilute the true meaning of these important concepts. Gradually, we become cynical about love, kindness and happiness, seeking some vulgar meanings and ulterior motives in them or disregarding them as cliches.

Though we contaminate some important concepts by using the same words to express both superficial, fake feelings and true deep emotions, we need to dig deeper, distinguish between them, and not let the corny ones cheapen or obliterate the true ones.

5. Pure Contradictions

It seems that happiness requires us to embrace and unite contradictions. For example, the notion that we are born predisposed to a certain level of happiness but may change it anyway. To be happier, we are supposed to be mindful but not pay too much attention to details; to feel contentment but want something else and have worthy goals in life; to have relationships with others but be self-sufficient; to pursue happiness but not think about it (see item 3 above).

There is no clear solution to how to have both. I guess, it is something that each of us has to practice.

6. Negativity Is Easier Than Positivity

Due to emotional laziness, for some of us it is easier to stay upset when we consider our circumstances bad, than to stay happy when we consider the circumstances good.  To me, it is the ultimate paradox, but I see too often how people readily get angry or upset at the slightest trigger, but ignore nice things altogether. 

7. Outside-in Versus Inside-out

A lot of things make us happy:  a sunny day, winning the lottery, someone being nice, well-behaved children, loving spouses, comfortable living, achieving goals, etc. The paradox is that to become truly happy, we have to somewhat disregard whatever happens to us (and influences our mood) and focus of the internal state of happiness. We should practice the capability to be happy without any triggers or, at the highest level of mastery, even despite negative events.

Here is another contradiction to ponder: possibly, by writing this post I got to understand happiness a little better and also became more confused…

Which Happiness Theory is the Right One?

When I became interested in the philosophy behind happiness, I went to a bookstore and looked at the self-help section. Although happiness did not take as many shelves as some other subjects, there were still many books about it. I was challenged by the available choices. Which one contains the key to the secret of the happy life? Which one will set me off on the right path to happiness?

On top of all this available material, I have this insistent desire to express my own thoughts on the subject, to write my own blog (and eventually a book) about happiness.

So I had to consider some valid questions. First: why should I write about happiness, if it was already covered by others? Second, what makes me knowledgeable enough to impart my opinions and solutions on others? Third (and I think the most important for anyone who just wants to be happy), which happiness theory is the right one and which are wrong, which should be studied and practiced and which can be disregarded?

There are many happiness theories: the hedonism theory, the desire theory, the objective list theory. Many people vouch to have obtained happiness through faith and/or religion, or through selflessness and dedication to a worthy cause, or through meditation and enlightenment, or through parenthood, or through helping others, or through close relationships. Some believe happiness can only be found when one belongs to a community, others insist happiness is strictly individual. Some theories propose specific steps to achieve happiness. Others insist that looking for happiness prevents us from getting it altogether.  Some say happiness is a skill to be learned and practice, others insist it is something with are born with and cannot change, still others believe it is the mix of both. All in all, the opinions are rather contradictory. Most astonishingly, there are many people who attest to the veracity of each one of them.

But I believe this wide diversity, even if somewhat frustrating in not offering one clear answer, makes sense. There are so many people, and we all are so very different and unique. People come from different societies with different cultures, traditions and beliefs. We come from different families and backgrounds with different parents and upbringing. We worship different gods. Individually, we have different natures, characteristics, habits, temperaments and dispositions. We consider happiness differently; it means something particular and unalike to each one of us. We have different worldviews.

Because of such variety in experiences and beliefs and cultural trends, philosophers put forth different theories that reflect these diverse worldviews. Happiness is not an exact science. It depends on personal experience and perception. Since we perceive all information through the lens of our worldview, we tend to like theories that are more agreeable with our own opinions and beliefs. For all the diversity of happiness theories, each one of them is confirmed by lots of supporting information. And there are people who resonate with each theory, making all of them valid for those people. It is the happiness paradox, what more, it is the paradox of life. Whatever somebody thinks up will work for someone, and therefore, will be their truth.

Even the common sense may not work for all. Common sense boils down to repetitive experience gained within similar conditions. But if the conditions change, the common sense ceases being that “common”. And boy, how rapidly the conditions change in the modern village of the world!

Any specialist, even the most experienced and respectable one, possesses only relative competency, limited by their own experiences and worldview. There is no truth here, only points of view. Therefore neither I, nor any of us can provide the “one size fits all” theory, methodology or set of rules on how to become happier. Our opinions on the truth are subjective. Whatever is good for one is bad for another. Different things will work for different people. One man’s meat is another man’s poison.

All of us seeking answers, trying to improve ourselves or helping others should operate from this knowledge. We should not feel obligated to do everything offered or feel inadequate if something does not work for us or just seems wrong.

I think this idea is beautifully illustrated by HSBC marketing campaign. It provides contrasting descriptions for similar images, demonstrating the understanding that the same phenomena perceived differently by different people, and thus, have to be dealt with in different fashions.

So because we are so unique, there cannot be the one recipe for happiness. But if there was, it would work just like a cooking recipe. Even with exactly the same ingredients and instructions, different cooks bake slightly different pies. Even baked by the same cook over and over again, each batch will be slightly different. Similarly, everyone learns how to write. But each of us ends up with unique writing style and a different penmanship.

There cannot be a universal instruction on how to be happier that will fit everyone or work without fail. Whichever theory is working is the right one. Specifically for the people it is working for. To each his own truth. To each his own happiness. To each his own valid theory.

The Greater Good: Why Happiness Is Good For You And Others

art by ~coolkidelise

So why being happy (and I do not mean momentary pleasures, but lasting feeling of peacefulness and contentment) is so good, we might want to make it our highest priority in life? The obvious answer is because it feels nice, great even! But does feeling great make it good enough to put happiness above other goals?

Let's examine the benefits of happiness a little more closely.

In recent years, more research has become available on benefits of happiness. Turns out, happiness affects many facets of our lives.

art by ~bayb-kiedis

The clear links are that happy people (both children and adults) deal better with life’s never-ending challenges. They are less prone to depressions and anxieties (1). They are more likely to exhibit greater self-control and have better coping skills (2,3,4). They are more sociable and have more friends (5,6). They are optimistic and generally are in better mood.

There are less obvious connections. For example,

According to several studies, happy people are more likely to live longer (7,8,9).

Happiness may help us live not only longer lives, but healthier ones, too. Martin Seligman, a renowned positive psychologist found that optimistic people are much less likely to die of heart attacks than pessimists, controlling for all known physical risk factors (10). The connection of the psyche and health is studied by the psychosomatic medicine. Turns out that our levels of anxiety, stress, negative emotions or conversely, levels of relaxation, comfort, and happiness are major factors in medical outcomes. For example, high blood pressure and irritable bowel syndrome appear to be related to everyday stresses. Stress diverts energy away from the immune system, thereby promoting infections and other illnesses in the body (11). It is believed that almost all physical illness have mental factors that determine their onset, presentation, maintenance, susceptibility to treatment, and resolution (12).

Personal life is greatly affected as well. Happy people have fewer divorces and more marital satisfaction (5,6). I believe a lot of it has to do with the ability to be self reliant in making oneself happy instead of depending on a spouse to do it, and eventually getting gravely disappointed.

Happy people have more energy and are more active, even later in life (13,14). Which comes in handy with the tendency to live longer lives.

Research demonstrates that happier people display greater creativity at work and produce higher income (15). According to one study, happy teenagers go on to earn very substantially more income 15 years later than less happy teenagers, equating for income, grades, and other obvious factors (10).

Another rather important point is that happiness may be the meaning of life. A long time ago Aristotle concluded, "Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and the end of human existence". Similarly, Ayn Rand believed that "achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life..."

So being happy is conductive to leading a longer, healthier and meaningful life, enjoying deeper personal and social relationships, and even achieving financial stability.

Even so, focusing on our own happiness may somehow seem a self-indulgence, a selfish act. But it is not! By being happy, we can actually help those around us and the society in general!

art by CainPascoe

People in the vicinity of happy individuals get affected positively, even if they do not always notice. Happy people of all ages are more cooperative and less antagonistic, which results in less bullying at school and less negativity at workplace. Happier individuals form closer friendships, providing stronger social and emotional support to their friends.  Due to the better family dynamics, happier adults benefit their spouses and raise happier, better adjusted children. Moreover, happiness is 'contagious'. When people are in company of happy people, they tend to get into better mood themselves.

The influences of individual good mood can be felt by the society at large. For example, national economics is positively affected, as scientists prove that happier children deliver better performance at school, and happier adults perform better at work (16). Besides, happier people who evidently are healthier, use fewer sick days and are more productive. 

Due to the benefits to their health, happy people also contribute to driving the cost of healthcare down.

Besides helping the world indirectly, happier people get involved with charity work, volunteering their time and donating money (17,18).

Finally, happiness is a perpetuum mobile, a perpetual cycle, in which being happy induces positive outcomes that in turn beget more happiness, and so on…

So, happiness touches most aspects of daily life, making it more enjoyable and gratifying every single day, through good times and bad. It feels great and benefits the happy individual, as well as his/her families, friends, and even the world at large. And it generates even more happiness!

The only thing left for us to do is practice our happiness skills consistently and enjoy the outcomes!

References:

(1)   Diener, E., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2002). Very happy people.  Psychological Science, 13, 81-84.

(2)    Carver, C. S., Pozo, C., D., et al. (1993). How coping mediates the effect of optimism on distress: A study of women with early stage breast cancer. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 65, 375-390.

(3)    Fredrickson, B. L., & Joiner, T. (2002). Positive emotions trigger upward spirals toward emotional well-being. Psychological Science 13, 172-175.

(4)    Keltner, D., & Bonanno, G. A. (1997). A study of laughter and dissociation: Distinct correlates of laughter and smiling during bereavement. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73, 687-702.

(5)    Berry, D. S., & Hansen, J. S. (1996). Positive affect, negative affect, and social interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71, 796-809.

(6)    Harker, L., & Keltner, D. (2001). Expressions of positive emotions in women’s college yearbook pictures and their relationship to personality and life outcomes across adulthood. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80,112-124.

(7)    Danner, D. D., Snowdon, D. A., & Friesen, W. V. (2001). Positive emotions in early life and longevity: Findings from the nun study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80, 804-813.

(8)    Maruta, T., Colligan, R. C., Malinchoc, M., & Offord, K. P. (2000). Optimists vs. pessimists: Survival rate among medical patients over a 30-year period. Mayo Clinic Proceedings, 75, 140-143.

(9)    Ostir, G. V., Markides, K. S., Black, S. A., & Goodwin, J. S. (2000). Emotional well-being predicts subsequent functional independence and survival. Journal of the American Geriatrics Society, 48, 473-478

(10) http://www.minnisjournals.com.au/educationtoday/article.php?article=Positive-education-and-the-new-prosperity-546

(11)Dillon, K. M., Minchoff, B., & Baker, K. H. (1985). Positive emotional states and enhancement of the immune system. International Journal of Psychiatry in Medicine, 15, 13-18.

(12)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychosomatic_medicine

(13)Csikszentmihalyi, M., & Wong, M. M. (1991). The situational and personal correlates of happiness: A cross-national comparison. In F. Strack, M. Argyle, & N. Schwarz (Eds.), Subjective well-being: An interdisciplinary perspective(pp. 193-212). Elmsford, NY: Pergamon Press. 

(14)Watson, D., Clark, L. A., McIntyre, C. W., & Hamaker, S. (1992). Affect, personality, and social activity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63, 1011-1025.

(15)Estrada, C., Isen, A. M., & Young, M. J. (1994). Positive affect influences creative problem solving and reported source of practice satisfaction in physicians. Motivation and Emotion, 18, 285-299.

(16)Staw, B. M., Sutton, R. I., & Pelled, L. H. (1995). Employee positive emotion and favorable outcomes at the workplace. Organization Science, 5, 51-71.

(17)Cunningham, M. R., Shaffer, D. R., Barbee, A. P., Wolff, P. L., & Kelley, D. J. (1990). Separate processes in the relation of elation and depression to helping: Social versus personal concerns. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 26, 13-33.

(18)Williams, S., & Shiaw, W. T. (1999). Mood and organizational citizenship behavior: The effects of positive affect on employee organizational citizenship behavior intentions. Journal of Psychology, 133, 656-668.