Happiness How To: Keep Dreaming

art by ~B1nd1

Most of the time, especially when younger, we believe that once we achieve our goals, we will be happy. Those cherished dreams vary for all of us. That may be  anything from rather mundane things, more or less ambitious dreams that require time and effort to extraordinary achievement that require overcoming great difficulties, for example, getting a college degree, winning a lottery, becoming a celebrity, buying a house, having kids, getting out of jail or surviving a war.

However, there are two big tragedies involving dreams in life. The first is to never attain your dream. We dedicate so much thoughts, efforts and time to it. It is so disappointing to never reach that goal. The second big misfortune is to attain you dream, because you do not have anything to dream about anymore, to strive for. Once we achieve our biggest dream, we feel empty, deflated, not inspired anymore.

Which is why many people who reach the pinnacle of success often feel unhappy. If everything you need and want is given to you, you may feel that you no longer have to strive for anything.

Happiness is made of contentment and moderation (see previous posts: http://olgarythm.blogspot.com/2012/06/what-happiness-is-made-of.html and http://olgarythm.blogspot.com/2012/06/contentment-and-moderation-building.html). But being content with your current state does not preclude us from dreaming of anything else. It just means to appreciate the present, not being anxious for something else and disregard what you already have.

So let’s keep dreaming. Some dreams may never come true. But they will excite our imagination and keep us inspired.

Think about 4-5 things you dream about, your goals in life. Do not give up on them if you really want them. Keep working toward them. Meanwhile, always appreciate what you already have. Do not forget to feel happy along the way. And once you achieve your dreams, make sure to bask in that success. You will gain even more to be thankful and content about.

And then dream about something else.

And keep on dreaming.

 

Children and Happiness

The purpose of this blog to understand what true happiness is. To do that, we must first look closely at what we mean when we think about happiness now. Some of the concepts that make up the happiness idea are ingrained in us for a long time. We believe in them, we cherish them, and we feel reluctant to think they may not be exactly what we believe they are. One of such notions is parenting and children.

by syk4ng at http://syk4ng.deviantart.com/

Parenthood and children are sacred topics in the discussion of happiness.

Vast majority of us knows that children bring meaning and happiness in our lives. Kids are our continuation, our legacies, our pride and joy, the most important task of our lives.

As a mother, I have these feeling myself. But because we all are brought up with the notions that children are the meaning of our lives and bring us only joy, sometimes I feel guilty and inadequate when I do not feel this way. And having discussed parenthood with many parents, I know a lot of people feel the same way.

Kids make us happy, for sure. They give us purpose. They give us love and admiration. They make us feel fulfilled. They are some of the closest people to us. They brighten our days with their wonder, their smiles, their achievements.

But they also make us miserable, angry, and frustrated. It is a package deal.

New mothers may get postpartum blues or even a full blown depression right after child birth, and it is only the beginning of the full range of parenting emotions.

If we are honest with ourselves, we know that as the kids grow up, they do not make us happy when they defy us, do not do as we say (even though it is always for their own benefit!), disrespect us, forget to call when they are older, never clean their rooms… the list goes on and on. Parents also feel stressed about their children’s’ future and wellbeing.

Some kids are more difficult than others; some have personality traits we do not like, some do not have personality traits that we would like, some have physical or mental disabilities that challenge their parents’ level of happiness.

Sometimes, we feel that we are happy (or have to be happy) despite all that, or maybe even because of all that trouble. We give our children so much time, attention, blood, sweat and tears. It would be strange to devote all of that to the rearing of our young if they didn't bring us some happiness, right?

Some research proofs that people with children live longer than their childless counterparts. Some research proofs the exact opposite, stating that all the worries that come with parenthood shorten our lifespan. Daniel Gilbert, a professor of psychology at Harvard University, states that when couples have children, happiness levels plummet. Couples only recover their blissful existence once their offspring have left the nest. Psychologists have also found that couples with children are less satisfied with their marriage than those without.

As parents, we may feel resentful reading those research findings. From an evolutionary point of view we are programmed to procreate. From cultural point of view we are programmed that our lives are not complete if we do not have children. It does not make sense that having children makes us unhappy.

It is undisputable that parenthood causes lots emotions in all parents (both positive and negative). It seems that children have the power of making us happy, but they do not necessarily do. If people do not have children, their lives are not devoid of meaning and happiness (although it may feel this way to some). And the fact that someone has children does not automatically indicate that they are happy and their life is meaningful (although it may feel this way to some).

Ultimately, our true happiness does not depend on such important factor as children. It does not depend on any other outside phenomena, such as money, success, friends, pets, or anything else (some more major than others). True happiness depends on our attitude toward any outside phenomena. Nothing can make us happy (or miserable) except ourselves, not even our kids.

Reference:

Marriage without children the key to bliss.  By Kate Devlin. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/1941195/Marriage-without-children-the-key-to-bliss.html

The Pursuit of Happiness: Part 2. "Different Strokes For Different Folks"

This is a follow up on the last post "The Pursuit of Happiness" (http://olgarythm.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-pursuit-of-happiness.html)

Everybody strives toward happiness and away from suffering. 

Even though the path to happiness is different for everyone, we are still looking for the same thing.

You can compare the happiness to a mountain summit. There is one summit, but it can be approached from the different sides of the mountain. Some can go fast, others slow. Everyone may walk a different path, with different goals and different gear to help them. Different peoples call the summit by different names. But in the end they will reach the same place, the same summit.

Similarly, some approach happiness through faith, using prayer as there tool. Others practice meditation. Yet others apply practicality, etc. We approach happiness from many different philosophical schools. But all of us try to reach the same goal – be happy.

      I came across the same tool being used absolutely differently but for the same goal.

      In corporate culture

Purpose: stress relieve and achievement of happiness:

Instructions:

a.       affix to a wall at the eye level

b.      stand comfortably next to it

c.       Start banging your head against the target dot until you feel stress leaving your body and bliss entering.

d.      Smile 

In yoga class

Purpose: stress relief, achievement of mindfulness and happiness. 

Instructions:

a.       affix to a wall about 3 feet from the floor

b.      seat cross legged comfortably next to it

c.       concentrate on the dot. Do not allow any thoughts.

d.      Feel stress leaving your body and bliss entering.

      I have gotten the first instructions from my coworkers as a joke. I thought it was so funny, I posted it on the wall (just like instructed) and invited anyone who came into my office and complained to try that method. Even though no one actually banged their head against it, it relieved stress quite nicely. Several years later I have gotten a similar picture in my yoga class. The above example, albeit funny, helped me realize that even though we use different tools, or use similar tools in different ways, we are still trying to move toward the same target. 

     I believe the sooner we realize it, the sooner we will admit that we have a common goal, the sooner we will understand how important it is in our lives, the sooner we will begin to change our attitude toward contentment and happiness.

     In the posts to follow, I will discuss my theory on happiness as well as practical advice on how to achieve it.

The Pursuit of Happiness

art by ~spoonbard

The pursuit of happiness is an inherent right of every person written into the American Constitution.

However, it seems that happiness is not the top priority in our current culture. People are conditioned to pursue other things, like success and wealth more persistently than happiness. It is more commonly approved to reach for various society standards such as prestigious career, sizable bank account, traditional family, good social standing, celebrity status, your own house and motorized means of transportation, etc.

If you say that you would rather be happy, people will think you strange.

If you have a traditional family and a prestigious career, and you say you are not happy, people will say: “and who are?”, or “so what?”, or “maybe it is in your future”, or “see my shrink”.

Happiness is not commonly considered too terribly important, or a goal in itself.

On the other hand, it is unfashionable and even impolite being unhappy. Maybe you are not happy, but you are not to show it. You are supposed to readily answer “Fine, thank you” to “how do you do”. This simple exchange represents our mentality.

It seems like happiness is not a priority, but we are still supposed to put on game face and be happy. This gives us a very slight margin of getting it right, and a lot of stress to keep smiling even if we do not feel like it.

Of course, each of us wants to be happy. The Dalai Lama said that everyone is similar in their desire for happiness and avoidance of suffering. If we get right down to it, all our choices and actions are powered by this goal, conscious or subconscious – the pursuit of happiness.

Each of us does it in our own way. We race after happiness, and we look for it in lots of different directions. Majority of us try to get the happiness from the outside - we search, we try, we pray for it, we play games of chance, we look for that special someone to spend our life with, we make friends to be a part of a group, we have kids (or pets) to fill our lives with love and purpose, we strive for more power, for a better paying job, for a nice vacation to finally get a chance to relax and again reenter the cycle of our lives.

All of the above are perfectly fine goals in life. But we elevate them to a higher level, we ascribe our ability to be happy to them. We believe they have the power to make us happier. If only I had more money… If only I met the perfect partner… If only my kids had better dispositions… then I would be happy for sure.

This way of thinking disregards the most important piece of knowledge about happiness: it is in our attitude. It comes from within us, from our perception of things.

To be happy, we have to embrace this knowledge. We have to put top priority to our perceptions of life, not the society’s perception.

No “pursuit” can bring us closer to our happiness. There are no specific things or qualities that we have to possess or achieve in order to guarantee a happy life. We should not think of happiness in terms of “pursuing” it. We should cultivate it, grow it in our heads and hearts. Instill it into our daily outlook, our habitual attitude. Take a moment to acknowledge yourself as you are now, in this moment, and learn to appreciate it, be at peace with it, be happy about it without regard to anything.

The practice of the skill of being content with whatever we are and whatever is around us is the path to lasting happiness.